Why I’m Breaking Up With Beer
It’s me, Greg. How are you? Good, I hope. Listen, we need to talk. Wait…don’t look like that. You knew this was coming.
Sigh. I’m going to have to break up with you. It was inevitable. I wasn’t drinking you like I used to. When I went from buying 12 packs of brew to six packs, youknew a change was in the air.
Why do I have to end our love affair? First, I’m in my forties now, and I just can’t down as many bottles of you like I used to. You remember the ‘90’s? When I could blast through five brews in a half hour? When I pretty much used you as a substitute for water…or any other liquid? Those days are gone, my friend. I simply have to get up too early for work to drink like I used to. Not to mention that the 40-plus Greg has to take a nap these days after two beers.
The second reason I’m leaving you is that you’ve given me a gut. A gut that I’m determined to lose. Before I met you, I was thin, with a flat stomach. Because of all of the sweet love we’ve made, I’ve got a paunch. I don’t mind it so much, but my girlfriend feels differently. And my Dad. And my Mom. Because of you (and my love of you), I have to get in a gym and lose this bulge. Not to mention that carrying belly fat can also lead to all kinds of nasty health problems.
Aw man. Beer, don’t think I’ll stop loving you. Because I won’t. You’ve been there for me through some of my best and worst times. You’ve supplied me with confidence on many nights at bars and nightclubs. Many, many of the phone numbers I got from women were with your help. It was you who made me think I could dance, like Chris Brown, when in fact, I looked like present day BobbyBrown. It was you that comforted me while watching Cleveland Browns games since 1999. Well…you and a few shots of hard alcohol. It was you that kept me sane through various break ups, misses, near misses, failures, mistakes, and personal pitfalls. And, it was you who was there to help me celebrate my victories, triumphs, and feel good moments. I know, I know, you’ve pretty much been around for my entire adult life.
Which is why there has to be a change. I’m giving you up to start something new. A health regimen. And, you can’t be in my life. Well, not totally. I’ll still eat beer flavored chicken. And fish. I just…can’t drink you any longer.
Don’t think I’m just picking on you. I’m also going to try my best to give up caffeine, too. (Yes, I was cheating on you with a mistress, coffee) I’m serious about my health. I’m trying to give up anything that isn’t good for me.
I’ll miss you, Sam Adams, Blue Moon, Budweiser, Bud Light, Corona, and Old English (Hey, it was the ‘90’s). But I’ll always have the memories.
And for a few more months, this beer gut.
I’ll never forget you,