An Open Letter To The Girl Who Is Marrying My Prom Date

Dear Could Have Easily Been Me,

Your wedding is one of the most important events of your life, second only to senior prom. Now, I’m sure you’re excited about your upcoming marriage. You’ve picked out the centerpieces and hung the string lights but still something eats away at you. You were never his prom date. I was and no matter how many times he shows you that he loves you, you will never know what it’s like to have him hold your hair when you puke up Malibu Rum in your best friend’s timeshare.

Senior Prom is a magical, once in a lifetime experience (unless you fail or are that weird old guy who dates teenagers) but sadly you’ll never get to share this incredible experience with your future husband. Although, he promises to love and protect you for the rest of your lives, you will never know what it’s like to have your parents watch him stab you with a corsage while he chugs a Rockstar energy drink.

I wish you the best of luck in your future marriage. I’m really happy that you’ve found happiness with the man who was once a boy who felt me up in a limo with ten other people watching. You’re marrying an amazing guy who can crank that Soulja Boy like no other.

I used to hate you. Imagine my shock that the guy who tried to fingerbang me in a gymnasium would want to spend his life with someone else. I used to have issues with rehashing the past and glamorizing a very typical 4 month high school relationship but I’ve since matured and am completely over that divine time of my life.

Sure, you will get to have his last name and watch him take his last dying breath but will you ever get yelled at by his chemistry teacher for grinding too hard in the gym? No. I’m not even jealous that he’s marrying you and not me, the girl who was his locker neighbor for four years. I got him during the most magical day of his life, prom.

I hope your wedding is amazing and you have a beautiful marriage. I just want you to know that I’m so sorry that when he holds your first born son you will think about how cute he and I looked in our matching magenta prom outfits. I hope you know that I am actually so sad that when he builds you your dream home you’ll hear him whistling “Lollipop” by Lil’ Wayne and know that he’s thinking about prom.

Best Wishes,

Prom Date