It is my birthright to sue Disney.

My last name is Grimm. My family can be traced back to the 19th Century to Western Germany where the Brothers Grimm began telling their stories. Fairytales are in my blood although the fairytales I was told while growing up were very different from the ones you were told. Mine typically ended in death or dismemberment. Although society implores us to protect children from the nightmares I was fed like lullabies, I still grew up to be a high functioning, well balanced adult other than my burning desire to sue Disney.

Before we slide down this rabbit hole (wait, I’m not a Carroll, I’m a Grimm) it’s important to note that I feel very lucky to have parents who told me lots of stories before bedtime. My family’s tales starred gruesome monsters and two timing family members but every now and then they starred princess Me too. Although I was also exposed to the Disney corporation’s illegitimate twisting of the Brothers Grimm’s stories it was never without a warning.

“The responsibility now falls to you to pass down these stories so our family’s legacy stays alive. Otherwise, it will die.”

After my sister’s wedding and adoption of a very non-Grimm last name, my aunt pulled me aside and gave me an ominous warning. She said I was the last Grimm in our family tree which spanned over 300 years. I could not grasp the gravity of this statement at the time and more importantly, I struggled to understand exactly what she was asking of me. I knew that she had visited Masonic Lodges across the U.S. and tracked down distant relatives in Scotland to understand our family’s great history but when the conversation turned to me, what could I do to preserve the Grimm name? if I married, would keeping my name be enough? If I had children, would my offspring take my last name in some form of hyphenation? I had no doubt that neither of these outcomes would satisfy the proud Grimm legacy my aunt represented.

If not by name or progeny, how could I continue the great history my family started hundreds of years ago? And then it dawned on me. I would sue Disney and expose the grotesque truths behind their stories of crowns and gowns. If the Grimm name was as recognizable as Disney, surely my family could rest assured that our legacy would persevere throughout history.

As the Northern District of California Court waits to hear my case, I’d like to begin your reeducation with the truth behind one of the most well-known fairy tales, Snow White. Snow White, as you know it, is the story of an evil queen who orders a huntsman to take her stepdaughter Snow White into the forrest to kill her because she is more beautiful than her the evil queen. Disney took the most gruesome details of the Brothers Grimm’s version and changed it so the story was more palatable for children. In the original story, the queen is actually Snow White’s mother, not her stepmother, and she herself takes Snow White into the forrest to kill her. When the deed is done, she eats her lungs and liver in hopes of ingesting her beauty. Yeah, try going to sleep with that image in your head. I almost forgot to mention, the best part is that queen dies by wearing a pair of red-hot iron shoes.

That is merely a taste of what is yet to come. Like I said, I’m taking down Disney and all your daughter’s princess parties with it. Get ready world, the Grimm’s fairytales are coming to a theater near you and trust me, they are rated R.

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