Why making yourself useful is the key to working through depression
Expectations of nothing
For what can feel like huge chunks of my life, I have been depressed. They come and go, and certainly now I’ve had ten or so years of these waves of dark and pressing nothingness, I’m beginning to understand what I can expect.
For example, expecting that it won’t last forever. Hurray! This one really helps.
Second, allowing myself to experience shifts in emotion during the depressed time. For example, if something makes me smile or I feel good, not dampening that experience for fear that it won’t last. I used to think that anything positive I experienced when I was in one of these depressed mindsets was not real, simply because I couldn’t sustain it. I felt that it might as well not happen, as it’s only going to return to being infinitely out of reach. It wasn’t like it was something I had done myself, or could do again at will.
Now I recognise that those moments are real, and I can get some pleasure from them even if I know that my mood is likely to change at some (seemingly random) point in the near future.
Then suddenly, I realised…
The major breakthrough I have had with depression, and hope that others can have to, came in the form of a thought something like this:
Anything can be useful. Even you, you miserable *&^!er.
In fact, it came in a thought exactly like this; it was such a moment of enlightenment that I repeated it like mantra until I arrived home and could start what is now a growing series of thoughts and exercises exploring the idea of usefulness. I call this project ‘Make Yourself Useful’, and I think I might be onto something.
You see, when I had this walk I was coming out of a time of depression, and had the new clarity I often get when I start to feel ‘like me’ again. Kind of like the end of a hangover when you realise that you won’t feel like that forever, you will be able to move around without your head spinning and you can be healthy again!
Well, being in this stage, I did something I don’t think I’d really done before: I started to reflect on both sides of the coin. What was it that I had during my normal or happy phases, that I lacked when I was depressed? Or was it that I had more of something when I was depressed; could it be that actually there is power and purpose in those phases too?
The perfect opportunity to understand joy and depression
Still being somewhat prone to negative and defeatist thoughts, this was actually the perfect time to ask these questions. It was like I could interview one side of me with the other (in a metaphorical way, I’d have trouble moving my lips otherwise).
The first question really had me thinking. What is it that I have, think, feel or do when I feel happy? Many things sprang to mind: being more sociable, feeling more energetic, achieving my goals, planning and feeling hope, wanting to help others. Some of these are results that are hard to replicate just by wanting them. For example, it’s not like I can help myself when I’m depressed by saying, ‘If I just made myself feel more energetic…’
The others, though, helped me to feel like I was getting close to something. I noticed a theme emerging. I asked the depressed me what it thought about these thoughts, feelings and actions.
Well, I thought, I can plan when I’m depressed, but it feels pointless. I feel too anxious to be around others and put myself out there enough to help them. As for achieving my goals…whatever. They won’t come to anything anyway. What’s the point? I’ll probably just end up here again, feeling like this. I do want to make a difference whether or not I’m sad. I hate that I can’t. I feel pathetic. I’m useless. (Sharp increase of sense of pointlessness and doom)
Clues hidden in dark thoughts
Useless. Yes, that is quite a debilitating feeling. To explore one step further, I asked myself, what do I think will make me happy in a slow, steady, lasting way? What are the things that I can feel good about, no matter how hard times are? I no longer wanted to feel the selfishness of depression that often chimed in with pangs of guilt on the side.
Could it be that being and feeling useful summed up everything I needed to achieve this steady happiness and satisfaction?
I strongly think that it does. It’s the missing link for me that ties a thread of continuity through the many emotions and mental states I experience throughout my life. Whatever I am feeling, I can make myself useful.
Something that works across the board
This thought encouraged and excited me immediately and I was showered with glorious sense. The idea unfolded rapidly. If being useful can help me to feel okay whatever mood I was in, how could I make myself useful when I am depressed?
For one thing, there are countless things that a person can do that don’t require a smile, any positive thoughts, or an ounce of self-esteem. What a liberating thought! All it requires is finding which of those might be useful, what skills or materials we need to do them, and setting up self-destruction-proof processes in our lives that enable us to seek them out however we feel.
For example, at the time of this thought I used to deliver leaflets for some extra cash. This is something I felt I could do when I was depressed as it was a solitary role, I could put on some music and power walk out some of the negative feelings. How could this be useful? I could use the money to support a project that I liked, something that perhaps felt close to my heart, or I wished I could be part of myself (if only I weren’t such a terrible person, etc. etc.).
What it means to feel useful
By making this activity useful, I noticed three reactions in myself:
- A sense of lightening. I really could do something beneficial. This shifted some of the feelings of being someone I didn’t want to be.
- A feeling of connection. However much I wanted to hide and be alone, I could still be part of things. Socialising isn’t the only way of connecting with people.
- The stunning realisation: it’s okay to be depressed. In some ways, it’s irrelevant! There are still things that I can achieve, somewhere I can pour my energy and attention towards.
I believe that this idea of usefulness isn’t just specific to my own depression and self-image. I truly think that it can help others to have a breakthrough and accept themselves more, enjoy every part of their life, and expand into something even more amazing whether or not they believe in themselves.
Can this be applied for everyone, everywhere?
My way of making myself useful is to explore this idea and share it with others. How can we put it into practise? How can it become a tool that will help us no matter who we are, how we feel, and what is going on in our lives? I’m documenting my discovery and questions, adding tips and making practical exercises as I go. It’s a work in progress, and I imagine that it will remain in perpetual beta as I learn and experiment.
Check out the project as it grows
You can see the first post in the project here: Make Yourself Useful (not posted in a chronological sequence, rather in an organic way, free-flowing way, otherwise I’d never get past the word ‘go’!).
I’d love to hear your comments, along with any ideas you have. Tell me what might be useful for you!