Dating when you’re in the witness protection programme.
One of the most important guidelines for dating successfully is to just simply be yourself. But what if you can’t be yourself? Not figuratively speaking, but literally? A new name, a new background, a new zodiac sign. The presentation of being yourself is much harder to pull off when you’re in the witness protection program. The entire idea is for you to become another person! That main detail kind of makes the social activity of dating while in the program complicated and challenging.
… Before we continue, just to clear up a few common misconceptions
about the witness protection program: No, they don’t cut off your
fingerprints and yes, you have to supply your own ski mask…
As I was saying, some things can be hard when it comes to dating while in the program. For example, preventing yourself from over-sharing personal details or always cleverly managing to obscure your face in a photo that you know could be posted on social media. But some things can be easy too. For instance, when dating like a normal person you sometimes worry about the future with your partner. Will you get married? Will your children be hideous looking? That kind of stuff. But when you're in the program you already know that there’s a high chance of relocation, because when someone wants to get their hands on you, you better believe that they’ll die trying. So yes, dating
someone who is also protected within in the program may sound like a
big, long one night stand, and may be less of a true relationship, but
it’s the best solution available.
So how do people successfully find and date each other when they’re in the witness protection program? Through an app, silly!
Enter Guarded: The dating app made for men and women alike in the witness protection program. Just enter the first three digits of your old social security number and the last four digits of your new social security number and you’re good to go! Users of the app are already raving about it. Take this testimonial from a person named Janie Jane: “I used to use dating apps like Okcupid and Tinder, but it was super hard finding a match with my face blurred out and a blank bio. But ever since I joined Guarded the hits just keep on coming. I’m up to my uterus in potential suitors. Thanks Guarded!”
Here’s another testimonial from someone named Johnny John Jon:
Guarded takes the burden of you having to create a yarn about yourself. You can just let loose and be the real you. You know… the you that snitched.”
Guarded… Leave your Groucho Marx disguise at the door!
In Episode 7 of Grovers Mill, Willkie heads to Russia and uncovers some interesting witnesses in what is to be believed as the greatest hoax in history. You can listen to the series here.
