The Werewolf and the Gynecologist
I started sleeping with this new guy. I had been seeing for about 2 months. The sex was dynamite except for one thing, his penis was bent to the left.
I nicknamed him “Captain Hook”. Apparently upon insertion it created a weird angle and my ummmm “area” became irritated.
I made myself an appointment at the good old Gynecologist to see if anything else was Eschew, besides my new lover’s member.
The night before my doctors appointment I had a dinner date with my dad.
He is a tiny Italian man, 5’5, white hair, salt and pepper mustache, and sparkly eyes like Santa Claus.
My Dad is a very unique man. Most would say he walks to the beat of his own Doo Wop tune.
He has a nickname for everyone and is obsessed with buying things in bulk. For Example if you tell him you like the movie Fatso he will buy you 10 copies, just so you have them.
He also “decorates” his New York studio apartment for every holiday, Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Easter, Ground Hog’s day.
It’s like a Macy’s holiday window display, exploded and landed in his apartment.
You are always guaranteed to be served a delicious Italian meal in this festive home and have a ton of laughs. When I arrived at his apartment Halloween was one week away, so of course the decorations were out in full force.
He even had a 6-foot Cardboard cutout of Lon Chaney as the Werewolf. I thought it was so scary, I loved it and told him wanted to take it home. However I had walked and didn’t feel safe strolling the streets of Brooklyn with this gigantic monster. On the other hand, maybe it was just the sort of the thing every New Yorker needs. But I didn’t put this together until later, so the werewolf stayed at my dad’s.
Like usual, my dad and I had stimulating conversation, a mouth watering dinner and a lot of laughs We had so much fun that he asked me to meet for bagels the next morning. But my doctor’s appointment was then, so I asked for a rain check. He became concerned though and asked why I was seeing a doctor
I explained that it was just a routine check up. Then he asked the doctor’s name and; when I told him he registered it for a second and said he knew exactly where I was going. Apparently his ex girlfriend went there for years.
Feeling a bit awkward now, I kissed my dad good night and walked home alone without my Lon Chaney.
Morning came and I found myself sitting in a packed waiting room filled with “sick vagina’s.”
I say it like that that because there was a woman waiting with me, one sandwich short of a picnic, who kept shouting, “There, uh must be an epidemic, hah, hah, so packed so friggin packed in He-ah”, not here, HE-AH!
“What is it hah? A bunch of sick pussies? Hah, you get it get pussies?” As I slumped down as far down as I could in my chair, cursing to myself for not bringing my ipod, I here “Mudelle, Mudelle, BAGELS!”
I knew that voice. And the only person who calls me Mudelle (since I was 7 because he said I reminded him of a a cross between my aunt Adelle and a baby cow) That is a whole other story and about 10 hours worth of therapy sessions, Anyway the one person who calls me by that name is …. MY FATHER?!!!!
I look up, as do all the other “pussies” and could not believe my eyes!
My father was actually walking in to my Gyno’s office. And if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, the man had a big bag of bagels AND dear Lord……
The LIFE SIZED werewolf cut out!
I was MOR-TI-FIED!!!!! How was I going to explain this? I thought maybe I could stand up and yell, surprise all you sick pussies, I ordered bagels! This is just the delivery guy no need to be alarmed. He will also be raffling off this lovely Lon Chaney collectible 6 foot cut out. I don’t know, I don’t know I couldn’t think.
I watched him struggle down the last few steps to the waiting room with his bag of bagels and werewolf cut out.
The room of cackling women went silent and, I am sure they heard the screams of embarrassment flying around in my head.
“Mudelle, what did the doctor say?” As he took a big bite of his bagel! “Well I didn’t see him yet…since I am still in the waiting room!”
“Mudelle you have no idea how hard it was to get this thing on the bus. He took it on the bus!!??
When the nurse called my name I had never been so ecstatic to go get on that cold table and spread my legs under the fluorescent lighting. In fact, at that point I wanted nothing more than.
I was sweating bullets throughout the exam. Not because of the exam because I was worried something may be seriously wrong down there, but because I had no idea what else may be waiting for me in the lobby! I actually found myself stalling… asking the doctor questions that I Had learned by the 5th grade.
“So, where exactly do babies come from again? And, are you sure you can’t get crabs from a tanning bed?” The doctor patiently answered my questions and also gave me a clean bill of health. No sick pussy here. He explained that sometimes when we have a name partner, “crooked or not” our bodies need to adapt to a new person. After that he politely pushed me out of his office at that point.
I managed to stall a little longer by texting my sister about daddy and his cardboard friend. As I walked t into the waiting room I found my father laughing and seemingly having a gay old time with some woman. She was very cute and kind of resembled Betty Boop.
She was eating one of his bagels!
He looked up and asked me how it went, I said, “Good. Can can we please go now?”
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any more interesting, my dad told me to go on ahead without him. He was going to wait for “Judy”(Betty Boop) and they were going to grab coffee.
Wow could this lady be just as cracked up as my dad? Had she mixed up her gynecologist’s office with the pyscho ward? Who picks up women at the sick pussies doctor?
“HUH?”I asked “Do you two know each other?”, I asked “Not really”, Judy replied we just met”
“I saw your dad sitting there with this giant cardboard werewolf I burst out laughing. Then we just got to talking”.
“Okay, well you two have fun.” And I got out of there as fast as I could!
Eight months later I was no longer dating “Captain Hook,” however my dad and Judy’s relationship was still going strong. In fact I found myself Maid of Honor at their WEDDING!!!
Who would have thought you could meet your soul mate at the gynecologist’s office while enjoying a free bagel with a tiny Italian strange man and his giant cut out werewolf?!
Speaking of, that cardboard monster, it was placed beside my dad, at their wedding, as best man.