Where do you feel stuck in your life?
Us humans are pretty good at convincing ourselves that we are stuck and trapped. In an unhealthy marriage? “Can’t leave. Gotta stay for the kids.” In a job we hate? “Have to stay here. I can’t find anything else.” In a city we don’t want to live in? “I cannot leave because my house is here, my job is here, etc etc.”
I have some experience with this type of stuck-edness. I have been in a marriage where I was miserable. I have been in jobs with narcissistic bosses that made me cringe every time i had to talk to them. Other bosses took the grind culture mentality or if i brought them concerns they suggested i should just be grateful i had a job. I have been in cities where i felt a growing discomfort. I have felt like i have been trapped in the wrong life.
So, what do we do about this? I suggest we start trying to understand why we are resistant to change? What are we afraid of? One technique i often use in therapy is called “play the script to the end.” Ask yourself, what would happen if i left my job, ended an unhealthy relationship, or moved to be closer to the ocean? Very often, we find that the end result is not as bad as what we have convinced ourselves of OR that THAT would actually get us exactly where we want to be!
Example:
Client: I’m unhappy in my relationship, but i know i cannot leave because we live together and i have no where else to go.
Therapist: What would happen if you left anyway?
Client: Well i would probably have to go stay with one of my parents for a while.
Therapist: And then what would happen?
Client: Well i would have to save some money and eventually get my own place.
Therapist: And then what would happen?
Client: Well i guess i would get an apartment.
Therapist: And then what would happen?
Client: I think i would be happier.
Therapist: Yes! Exactly! It would be hard at first. You don’t want to have to stay with a parent, but eventually it would be okay! Eventually, you would have a place to live and you would be happier without the burden of this unhealthy relationship.
Sound too simple? I think the hard part is our resistance to pain. Realizing that sometimes we have to go through pain to get the good stuff can be a tough thing to accept. Humans often spend decades, whole lives even in situations that cause them to wallow in their own misery. It is a cliche, but baby steps actually work. What change do you want to make in your life? How can you take the first step? In therapy, there is a question known as “the miracle question.” It is, “If a miracle occurred while you slept tonight, and tomorrow you woke up an something about your life could be different, what would that be?” Your answer reveals what you truly want for your life. Maybe you want to leave your job and work with a traveling carnival or maybe you want to go back to grad school. Maybe you want to move to Greece. Maybe you want to fall in love with a healthy person or maybe you want to realize you are your own soulmate. Whatever it is you want to do, just take the tiniest step towards that life and go from there.
