The Unchallenged Hierarchy
(In)Humane Allotment
Over the past few months visiting my therapist, we’d come to the damning conclusion that we’ve likely attempted all medicinal options he was able to provide.
I’ve known my therapist for 16 years, ever since Sophomore year of high school. Not only does he treat me as an equal, at this age, there are things I know that he doesn’t and vice versa.
He also trusts me with every medication he’s prescribed as I’ve been nothing but honest with him. Hence the “we” above — we give each other suggestions, listen while on the same page, and try out shit because sometimes it’s been “what the hell”.
Our sessions typically start off with a medication review & experience, then we get into the deep, existential, traumatic, therapeutic topics.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Humans have a set of needs a psychologist Abraham Maslow first published about in 1943.
My therapist and I have been dancing around this topic for a few years, primarily because treating MDD and PTSD were having a directly negative impact on well-being. They still are, but have been…stabilized as much as possible for now.
As evidenced with the above graphic, humans have 3 sets of needs: Basic, Psychological, and Self-Fulfillment. After reading this article by Annie Tanasugarn, PhD (one author I’ve since delved into), I’ve had to face facts: I’ve only ever experienced basic and self-fulfillment; the latter not at its pinnacle, but I know and strive for what I want/wanted to do.
I say ‘wanted’ because my motivation has been utterly gutted, if not pulverized. Music — both composition & understanding — is my passion, and thus I strive for full potential. I can’t really explain it because I didn’t choose to love it, yet I’m sitting here with my most recent acquisition while typing this out — a Fender Telecaster — and finishing up my practice. I sold & traded one of my guitars for this and some dollars simply because I’ve never had a Telecaster…
All art is infinite, progress subjective, hence the drive…for me at least. Because it’s boundless; your best and worst critic is yourself — you’re not reliant on others to provide the feedback to become better.
But now it causes mental & physical pain. Immense stress and negative health effects. I’ve only loved music the way I love ‘the one’ or a similar person, and I’ve arbitrarily lost two people like that without ever having the chance to experience. For example, I’m teaching a friend how to play the guitar, finishing an instrumental piece for another friend (going down to the ol’ Reciprocal Studios to record them this month, September 26th 2020), and created a practice routine that will help with the former two.
A burst of excitement fell through me as I laid out my practice plan, and I had to shove that feeling away, replacing it with mechanical logic: “this practice is progressive and measurable-beep-beep-it will succeed-beep”, because that feeling of excitement naturally falls to despair if I let it continue.
I’ll be recording soon (in a sadly dying medium), I know I can teach and complete the composition before time runs out. I don’t want my only love left to feel like a mace to the heart every time I play.
The Unmet Needs
The upper partitions of the basic, the entirety of psychological, and some of the self-actualization needs, I’ve not had.
I can’t control anyone else’s actions, much like everyone. Is it any wonder why people turn to drugs, alcohol and suicide when a third or more of human needs are neglected?
It really hit the fan this time (I’m now taking an anti-Alzheimer's medication just to find out if acetylcholine — another neurotransmitter — is being affected in any way). I’m exhausted after doing everything suggested, attempting any potential solution as a way to feel even partially fulfilled.
I’m mostly doing it on my own. No one’s there to help, to laugh, or to simply be with. One or two months out of life could’ve changed that, but people have made choices that cause the pyramid to remain incomplete.
For reasons.
Thank you to the following to keep writing & learning every day: Annie Tanasugarn, PhD Benjamin Parker Octavia Morrison Crystal Jackson Kirstie Taylor Kathryn Dickel Alana Palm Human Parts Psychology Behind P.S. I Love You
