A More Honest List of Roommate Requirements

We’re terraforming a secluded planet on the most exclusive edges of the solar system and we are inviting only very best of Silicon Valley to vacate Earth as soon as humanly possible and join us in a rarefied, oxygen-free existence. If you meet all of the following requirements that have allowed us to rule everything for as long as we have, please do join us in creating an elite new existence on Uranus.

You Must Not:

-Wear any jewelry other than your entire collection of company logo lanyards

-Talk at a normal-to-discreet volume when discussing your “sick new app/startup/food delivery service”: noise pollution in public is mandated at all times

-Use anything other than a ricer when making mashed potatoes

-Understand how to properly use a crosswalk, sidewalk, or library card

-Use certain words correctly. Remember: “leverage” is a verb, “conference” is a verb, “grow” is a transitive verb

-Have a second toe longer than your big toe

-Eat food, drink juice, read books, or wear clothes from any source other than a monthly box subscription service curated by your fellow Uranuses (Urani? Uranae? Uranum? We haven’t decided that one yet.)

-Have sex as described in Jonathan Franzen’s books

-Have allergies, sensitivities, feelings, weight, or anything else beyond your control that strays from our patented definition of “normal”

You Must:

-Wear woolen skullcaps only when it’s 60° or above

-Sculpt your facial hair in accordance with our Communal Beards of the Week. We have Muttonchop Monday, Side Whiskers Wednesday, Fu Manchu Friday, and Soul Patch Saturday. If you cannot grow your own facial hair, a beard beard will be provided to you.

-Have harassed multiple members of the opposite sex throughout your life, bonus if you have done it anonymously via social media or video games

-Think like Aaron Sorkin, eat like an emoji, but disrupt like a baby in church

-Interrupt anyone you judge to be inferior to yourself at all times

-Be a regular user of racial epithets and well-versed in hate speech but only as jokes, after all, we aren’t racists ☺

-Play the shamisen

-Drive a collapsable electric recumbent fixie with Razor scooter sidecar

-Use “scalable,” “empower,” “robust,” “swim lane,” “vertical,” “learnings,” “on brand” and “open the kimono” in every sentence

-Have sex as described in Jonathan Franzen’s books

-Be a white male

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