Are You a Good Parent? Maybe Not—Here is Why?
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This story is about parenting: parenting to the dependent ones, such as children and adolescents, any person who is struggling for help irrespective of age.
A need for parents... again!
For the past 12 years, I lived independently. By that, I mean I became my own parent. I made most of my life decisions, often seeking advice from others, but ultimately, I took responsibility for my choices. Things were going well, but I pushed myself to the limit—driven by the desire to achieve something extraordinary, like many people do.
Two years ago, I was working over 80 hours a week, juggling my PhD and startup dreams. At some point, I think my body forgot how to sleep and decided caffeine would be my new best friend. I spent an entire year without a real break, depriving my body of sleep and barely eating (I wasn’t smoking then).
Despite warnings from friends, I continued pushing myself—until I couldn’t anymore. I had set impossible goals with unrealistic timelines. When a series of setbacks inevitably hit, I collapsed, questioning my abilities and worth. The burnout wasn’t just physical; it was deeply emotional and existential.
It felt like a midlife crisis. I was struggling with mental health issues. So, I was sent to home for medical care under my safe home premises. There is no mention of a return date but one condition: I must present a fitness certificate when I return to my institute. There will be no return tickets without this certificate!
After over a decade of independence, I found myself, at 30, relying on my parents again. This experience brought back memories of my childhood and adolescent dependence on them—for shelter, food, financial support, and emotional care.
Now, here’s the situation I find myself in:
- Prevention from falling into a problem: All my parents, including myself, failed to prevent me from falling into the burnout trap. I don’t blame anyone; prevention is difficult. Who can truly foresee every danger that lies ahead?
- Fixing my problem and preventing further issues: Now that my behaviors are more visible—staying alone at home, avoiding work, anger issues, and smoking. Now it’s clear that my parents can see where my life might end up. They want to fix my current problems and prevent an even bigger disaster coming in the future.
Thankfully, as a “good guy,” I had many people come to help me by taking on parental roles. Each of my parents cared deeply for me, but their approaches to solving current problems varied widely.
I categorize them into three distinct modes: dysfunctional parents, helpless parents, and healthy parents, each offering radically different perspectives and solutions. Let me be clear: I am not blaming any of my parents. They all had the best intentions. Nobody can expect parents to understand everything.
*****
Let’s start with the dysfunctional parents, whose well-meaning efforts sometimes caused more harm than good.
Dysfunctional Parents
One kind, I call them ‘Godfathers—people who once played crucial roles in shaping my life through financial support and advice. But now they’ve become dysfunctional. As long as a child is doing well, they’re there with full support. But when that child makes a mistake, they become dysfunctional.
In the beginning, I felt hard to communicate with them. So I thought of a “brilliant” idea—I thought if they see me smoking, I hoped they may think, “What’s happened to Santhosh? He was doing so well—there must be a deeper issue.”
Unfortunately, my plan backfired. They saw my smoking as a sign of failure and did not see the mental pain that was really going on. So it gave rise to criticism rather than concern.
After a few days, I had a 5-minute conversation with my “Big Godfather.” I tried to explain my situation, but he cut me off with, “I’ve heard and seen a lot about you.” He then predicted my future: “You’ll burn through your money and cigarettes. Then you’ll start borrowing, and soon enough, you’ll be picking cigarette butts off the street.”
A few weeks later, he wanted to help — but instead of asking what I needed, he proposed a plan: “Santhosh, I understand you messed up your PhD, and that’s why they threw you out. Here’s the solution. I know you are talented. I’m starting a new business. Join me, and in a year, we’ll make 10 crores, and in five years, we’ll grow it to 100 crores.” — A path to ambitious goals and burnout again in my life!
When I politely rejected him, he said, “You can never do anything on your own. I am your last hope.” I had to reject with a series of cold fights. He didn’t give up and brought my “little Godfather” into the picture.
My “little Godfather” knows a little better about my medical condition, so he urged me to return to my institute. He said, “I don’t care what you do; just go back to college. I can’t have you living here. There’s too much pressure on me.” He booked my return tickets. I went to my college, but I came back home after four days. I was not allowed without a certificate.
These patterns repeated a few times. They want to help me, but they are giving a different medicine for my disease.
Here is my situation now.
I cannot stay at home; I cannot go to the institute; My Godfathers don’t even allow me to stay alone or with friends, as they fear of me taking “drugs!”
I returned home hoping they’d help me recover from my mental health challenges. But their dysfunctional behavior only prolonged my struggles.
I often felt helpless and considered leaving my family by cutting off contact.
I am not the only one who has struggled under the weight of dysfunctional parenting. Recently, I spoke with a friend who had gone through something similar and realized that staying away from his family improved his mental health. For him, it was the right choice.
*****
Dysfunctional parents come in many forms. Let’s look at this from a child’s perspective: Imagine a child seeking comfort from a parent who’s too busy building their dream house for their children. When this child goes to him crying, they reply, “Can’t you see I’m working here?”.
Then the child understands his situation, goes to a corner of the room, and cries alone. This leads to the development of thoughts like, “I am not lovable; I am alone.” If this repeats for several times, it becomes their “core belief,” and they could never build healthy relationships in life.
*****
Another kind is what I call toxic people. Some of my dysfunctional parents, that I didn’t mention above, have turned into toxic people. They already came to the conclusion that I already messed up with my life. Now their role is to share my new success with the rest of the world. 👏👏👏
Fortunately, I identified and ignored these people much earlier, which relieved me greatly.
******
Now reflecting back, I realised my “Godfathers” intentions—they care for me. So, I accept their weakness.
******
Alright! Dear reader. Now take a breath. The difficult and long part is done now. The rest of the story brings you a little peace, similar to the one I found with the following parents.
Helpless Parents
While dysfunctional parents may make misguided attempts to fix things, helpless parents face a different struggle— they want to protect their children from problems but hesitate to address sensitive topics openly.
They are helpless because they are afraid of becoming dysfunctional and the consequences that would follow. They either learned this either from other people’s experiences or themselves, like my “Big Godfather.”
My mother falls into this category. When she first got to know about my smoking, she didn’t say anything for a few days. Then we spoke for more than an hour. She seemed to truly understand the dangers. But what brought tears to my eyes—and still does as I type this—was the way she spoke to me. She must have said, “Beta"—dear son—at least a hundred times, either at the beginning or end of every sentence.
She ended the conversation with a sentence that broke my heart: “I’m sorry for making you worry by bringing this up, and I’ll never question your behavior again. You don’t need substances. I hope you understand and quit as soon as possible.” I could see a fear in her voice that I could misunderstand her message and make fatal choices.
What about my father? He had passed away when I was 12. Sometimes I feel like he is roaming around me, trying to help. But he is helpless too.
The other helpless parents are some of my cousins and friends. They encouraged me to change my lifestyle. But they failed to give a working method to quit it.
Even though these parents are helpless, they are trustworthy. They knew their limitations and did what they could.
My mother, friends, and cousins couldn’t guide me to break my addiction, but they always gave me the emotional support I needed. Except with my addiction, I counted on my mother with every other help.
For example, every time I found difficulties with my “Godfathers,” she fought with them. I don’t know the consequences if she didn’t.
Healthy Parents, aka... Healthy Adults
Fortunately, I did encounter a few healthy adults who never created any trouble and always supported, no matter what. They include my therapist, a few close friends, and, most importantly, my PhD advisor.
The first one to spot my problems is my advisor, as I was struggling with my PhD. He was one of the few who didn’t try to ‘fix’ me overnight.
Even though I am living at home now and not working, he calls me from time to time, listens to my current status, and encourages me to prioritize my recovery. He always said, “You come first, and the PhD is secondary.”
In my recent call, when I said I am feeling much better now, he asked me if there is a way I could help you now. I was glad with that question; I said I want to start working again, starting with simple tasks. He wholeheartedly welcomed me. Now I am back to my PhD work ❤️.
Other people are my PhD friends. These are the people with whom I can talk at length. Again, they listened to me, validated my concerns, and provided guidance, particularly regarding my approach to the remainder of my PhD.
The final person is my therapist. In the beginning of my therapy, I used to say a lot of things—which I considered nonsense now. Still, he listened patiently and provided workable solutions through cognitive behavioral therapy and schema therapy—techniques that ultimately played a key role in my recovery.
Even though I’m independent now—again, I still count on their support, not because I need it; may be they genuinely want to be part of my journey.
A few more people—all within me.
Finally, there is me. There is a part of me that acts as a parent most of the time.
For much of my life, the dysfunctional parent inside me played a significant role. It demanded that I do something great. I used to live with lots of SHOULDs and MUSTs.
With the help of my therapist, I learned that it won’t work. I thank him for his patience to explain the concept of a healthy adult in several ways. In the beginning, I was skeptical that a healthy adult could achieve anything significant. But my therapist mentioned I didn’t live in this mode. So I don’t know it. He asked me to try it.
As I was trying to live in healthy adult mode, I became a helpless parent, as I really don’t know how to live like a healthy adult. Now I understand the traits of a healthy adult and I am adopting them into my everyday life.
Here we come to the conclusion: A Problem statement
What is the root cause of my life’s issues — like burnout and addiction?
It is because I did not know enough to avoid falling into these traps. I didn’t fully understand the consequences of my choices at when I took my first cigarette. But looking back, I’m learning from these experiences, and they’ve taught me the importance of prevention and compassion — both for myself and for others.
My mother supported my education; I was doing really well. Now I am in one of the top IITs in India. She never imagined I would experiment with substances. The same goes for my overwork. There were days when I stayed up all night, and my mother would help by making me tea. I was doing hard work! I don’t blame my mother—she gave me all the support for my growth.
In my case, these healthy parents came much later in life. They’ve now helped me avoid falling deeper into trouble; if they had been part of my life from the beginning, I might have done even better.
My mother, too, is a healthy parent, though she lacked the knowledge to prevent the dangers of some of my actions—just like many parents in the world!
Do our parents need a bit more education so that they can prevent a child from falling into the problems and address the situation in a healthy way if the child makes a mistake? If yes, what would be that?
