Everyday is a fight.

It all happened so fast. Everything was going for a lazy morning. I got up late, stayed in bed for a while, felt hungry and decided to go to the supermarket look for some food. We talked the day before, she told me about the apartments she saw for me, and she was so excited, and I was quite happy. That got to my mind and I decided to call her as soon as I reached home, just to say some Hey, Ma. I called her. She was not the one to pick it up.

We are at the hospital, Gabriel, the voice said. She was not feeling very well, catching a breath was a bitch. 40 years of smoking. I knew it right away. So I said I would call back later to check on her, or she could call me when she left the doc’s office. I knew it. I fucking knew it. 30 minutes later I got my phone and I called her again. The voice was nervous. No one knew what the fuck was going on. They took her to another room, it seem serious. Fuck that. I was getting on my car and going there.

The speed marker had 120, 130, 140 on it. I was as fast as I could. I was nervous. I told my girlfriend that I was going there. Be still, she said. It’s going to be ok. It didn’t matter. Didn’t matter how fast I was. I could never be fast enough. I could be at 200 and it wouldn’t matter, still, and I could be in the speed of Time and that wouldn’t change what happened. What happened was that I checked on my phone, my hands shaking, and there it was. She was gone. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. FUCK IT, I screamed. And I cried. And I felt stupid. And I felt alone. FUCK IT. And I punched the roof and that hurted my hand. And every inch of my body was shaking. So, that was it. I could cry all my heart out, I could scream as loud as a motherfucker, she would still be gone. Damn, she is gone.

I stopped over my girls house. I couldn’t say a word. She just gave me a hug and for a moment it felt that I would be all right. Then, it was gone. I had to face it. Didn’t seem real. Fuck it, how could that be? Yesterday we were talking and laughing on the phone and she was perfectly okay. Fuck it. Why didn’t she take care of her? Was it so hard to see a fucking doctor once in a while? Why didn’t I make something? Didn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. That was the grief speaking. The hate. The madness. The loneliness. The pain. So fucking painful.

We headed home. I was just hoping to never reach there. That would make it all turn real. I could stay in the highway the rest of my life. She would still be on the otherside, somehow. She still is, she still is.

Arrived. I broke down. Seeing my big sister crying that much, my grandma losing it all, everybody facing the truth and denying it. I gave everyone a hug. It was so hard, but somehow I knew what I had to do. I could hear her sweet voice telling me Son, be still, they need you now. And I was fucking there. I would be there. I am there.

A couple months has past since all that happened. Somedays I wake up and I am so sure that she is going to come through the door as always, yelling that COFFEE IS READY, SON, and I can almost smell it. But she is not there. She is not going to be. It’s unreal, yet. But it’s getting better.

I’m alive, after all, right? And I’m surviving. And there is my sister, being such a fucking warrior for us all, and my girl being my heart and my brain and my eyes and my wall, and my dogs loving me no matter what, and my nephew being awesome, and my grandma complaining as always, but being sweetie and kind, and my aunt, being like a mother, and my mother in law taking a piece of her heart and giving to me, so I can move on again. It happened. So fast. So quickly. And here we are, still.

Everyday is a fight. Some nights come as a punch in my face, but I can take it. I may fall to the floor, but I’m on my feet as fast as possible. I’m taking some swings, too. I’m putting up a good fight. I’m writing, I’m reading, I’m creating.

A guy that I didn’t hear about for a long time just sent me Hey, about that text you posted, thanks, man, that made my day, that helped me through darkness. Or the young girl who said Thanks, sir, I felt like someone finally knew what I was feeling and that’s so good.

I’m alive, ma. Everyday is a fight, you bet. But you coached me well. And I’m winning by points, after all.