A few notes from the birth of my son

Gualtiero Forte
Jul 21, 2017 · 6 min read

I sit here at 4 am both tired and ecstatic, collecting my thoughts from a weekend I will never forget. Every few seconds I look over to my right and make sure to see that the fruit of my wife’s labor is still breathing as expected…first fast, then slow…breathing as inconsistent and unpredictable as the last few days but evoking the same response of complete and utter affection. Who knew you could become so attached to something so soon? What sort of chemical reaction has taken over my mind and body to make me feel so attached to this 20 centimeter, roughly 8 pound squirmy being?

Well, let me try to break it down a bit.

Veridis Quo

The name of the song that was playing when my son Enzo made his debut at 8:45 on a Saturday night in a suburb of Seattle, gently lit by the late summer sun. Lighting fit for a photo shoot, lighting in which you whisk away the bride and groom from the grasps of their families and friends to snap those sunset pictures. The song choice was not left to chance; I knew his time was coming and I wanted something fitting for the occasion. Much like labor, this track is a slow but steady crescendo with the different parts coming together in harmony, leading to an outpouring of euphoria and jubilation.

And what an outpouring it was. His exit from the womb is without doubt one of the most amazing things I’ve witnessed in 32 years of life. It’s telling of the miracle of child birth that despite living in an age of technology where seemingly anything is possible and everything is connected, the very primitive act of nature remains the most impressive to witness. To think that at one point I held the belief that perhaps I had no business in the delivery room to begin with, that the labor process is best left to the professionals without me in the way. To think I could have missed the opportunity to witness this marvel.

Veridis Quo. A play on words for ‘Disco-very’ but also fittingly translatable to Whither goest thou? or Where are you going? A question I often posed to myself when I moved here from across the ocean 13 years ago.

Everything makes sense now

Looking out the window of the Labor and Delivery room while my wife pushed and pushed, I was reminded how I often pondered in the first few years of living here what the day-to-day life was for the people zipping down the highway and city streets below us. What were they thinking? What were their ambitions? Where are they going? I frequently sought out a feeling of commonality back then, one that I could never quite grasp. I felt like I was faced with a fragmented society, molecules bouncing around with no common direction or destination.

More than a decade later, looking at those same streets, I was overtaken with the feeling of everything having happened since that move…suddenly making sense. I was flooded with a feeling of nostalgia for the now. It was as if a direct line had been traced from when I first set ground here to where I was now, crossing the boundaries of time and space and giving meaning to the present. My place in this society was clear and my responsibilities delineated. No longer did I feel like an observer but rather as a defined component of this world. A citizen. A father.

A mother’s aura

She’s smiling. “How could she be smiling?”, I thought to myself. After 5 hours of push-push-push-breathe following a night that can only be described as one where you are forced to meet your demons and have them over for a sleepover, she still had the energy to break a smile — for herself, for me, for what was to come. Right up there with the incredulous feeling of witnessing birth was another groundbreaking realization — this woman you call your wife has superpowers you had no idea existed. Little did you know they were there all along, ready to be used at the most opportune moment.

The days following the birth were thoroughly exhausting; shifting from the Labor and Delivery unit to Mother & Baby was akin to receiving your pilot’s license and immediately being placed in a 747 and being asked to land this bad boy. A trial by fire in the true sense of the word. And yet, with zero hours of sleep under her belt, she maneuvered graciously through first feedings, diaper changes, check ups, medications — all without missing a beat. It was as if some secret reserve of maternal energy had suddenly been tapped. The wonder didn’t end there, though. Lo and behold, unbeknownst to me — perhaps by proximity to her, maybe by inspiration or sheer excitement (in all likelihood a combination of the three)— I was soon feeding from the same energy. On a whim I could I could rise at any moment from a 5–10 minute nap and carry, change, swaddle or swing my child as needed. It was like a jolt of caffeine being dispensed by an espresso machine-sized organ in my chest. It was my first taste of unadulterated fatherhood.

The days to come

Filled with excitement for the day-to-day development of this new being, I feel both a sense of intense curiosity and indulgence in catching glimpses of traits that might have been taken on from me or from my wife. Are those my ears? Is that how I stretch my legs? Does he realize the life that he has ahead of him? All I can do, however, is wait and take it in all in patiently and diligently.

After all, there will be hard days. There will be excruciating days. There already have been sleepless nights. But having gone through this experience has opened my eyes to demonstrations of strength, growth and love that I will carry with me forever.

Recommended reading

Found serendipitously at Half-Price Books, The Expectant Father was a handy month-by-month guide to what each component of the family was feeling (or expected to feel); father, mother, son — with extra emphasis on the dad, who is often times cast as a secondary character in the 9-month play that is pregnancy. It’s a low commitment book— I read a chapter or so each month — but it touches upon all the important topics (financial, physical, mental) and gives you a sense of preparedness that will cast away sleepless nights leading up to the big day.

There is also a follow-up that I plan on sinking my teeth into in the near future. This one tackles fatherhood in the 12 months following birth.

Wish me luck.

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