“The Great Indian Kalchar”

we, the people of India,
have solemnly resolved
that we will forever live in a state of mind
that no nation, but ours, is great
because we have this great Indian culture,
you see?

“culture”, you get that word?
no part in the world has that
not Athens, not Rome, not the whole of Europe in fact
just us.
we and our centuries old culture
that we’ll never stop bragging about for many more centuries

you ask us about our culture and what’s so special about it?
we are the purest of breeds
the proud Aryans
the flawless beings
as pure as the holy Ganges that flow here
with 12.7 ppm of Chloride in it

we despise the west
they are cultureless
we are more human than them
and we don’t need them
hey, what are those things you developed?
give it to us, we need them

we treat women like Goddesses
exactly like Goddesses
questioning their morality and
keeping them confined within a parameter of our houses
just like Ram did with Sita
of course, a Ravan will attack them if they cross it
that’s justified, isn’t it?

also, we don’t celebrate our sexual energies
our decent culture doesn’t endorse nudity
I’m sure the Kamasutra was written by a foreign author
also, the homosexuals in the Ajanta and Ellora were foreigners too.
tsk, tsk, not us, definitely.

we are a democracy
but a conditional one
with special privileges for men and special restrictions for women
perhaps, granting education to girls was a little too much to ask for
so there go some of your liberties, amen!

our culture is secular and nondiscriminatory
except for the Untouchables
they don’t deserve to sit and eat with us
and also that religion
we loathe them just like they loathe us.

we are a proud culture
it’s not as evil as Sharia
we just have a few of them
sati and female infanticide
and female genital mutilation
and perhaps a few more
but hey cheer up
at least we’re better than Saudi
a thing to rejoice for.

“our culture doesn’t allow that” is our answer to everything
but not to the consistent rapes and molestations that men do
because well, they are right
our culture does allow that
a patriarchal and misogynist culture
does allow men a superior position in the society
and a legitimate ownership of what women will do.

maybe it’s time to reevaluate
whether we should defend our culprits in the name of culture
or scrap this whole notion of “The Great Indian Culture”
a lie we’ve grown up with
and a reality that we have to tackle against
once we seek liberty and justice.