12 years a Fool.

We’d been together for 12 years, dating I mean, not married. We’d been dating for 12 years. 12 good years. Damn! I think my life just flashed before my eyes. I walk to the mirror, I stare at myself for a split second before I run away from it.

I had gotten to that point, I can’t even stand to look at myself. I was disgusted with myself. How did this all happen to me?

Well, I had to eat at some point today, I thought to myself. Our biggest client was in a meeting with another company discussing terms I presume. They had dropped us over a mistake I caused, I had to fix it, or not only would I get fired, I’d be discredited. Couldn’t work at my moms salon so I had to fix it. I had bribed my way through the security, waited for five hours, now I’m hungry. I had to eat. I eventually decided to go get food.

That’s where I met him. I ordered almost everything on the menu, he asked if he could join the party, I replied what party? There’s no party. This food is for me, myself and I. I have to celebrate the death of my professional career. I went on and on about my mistake at the office over lunch.

After lunch I got up to leave, he offered to walk me, to my surprise his uncle was our biggest client. Just like that, my problem was solved. Fast forward three weeks later he asked me to be his girlfriend. He was sweet, he was kind, he was everything I ever dreamed of. He paid for my masters program in the U.K. made sure I got my PHD, He pushed me academically and professionaly. He made sure I was well improved version on myself. We were a great force. They called us the A team. Sometimes we were rivals other times we were partners but we were great at our jobs.

I didn’t even notice when our conversations mostly became about business. Even on vacations we talked about business, money and clients. We lived together, I didn’t remember you’re supposed to make it legal. I think we talked about kids early in the relationship but somehow I didn’t remember we were supposed to have kids. I’d love to tell you how it happened, how I got so carried away but I really can’t. He never complained either, never seemed bothered by it. How could I notice there was a problem? The sex remained great over the years, isn’t that one of the signs? The blogs and magazines say it is “you’d notice your partner isn’t really into it”. The calls didn’t reduce either, even when we had to handle business from different countries. So what did I miss. Why am I here?

I’m staring at him, his words sound distant. I’m thinking of my next move, I have a plan right ? I always have a plan. I haven’t played my last card yet or have i? Next thing I hear is the horn of my car, I yell at the driver, why so loud! He doesn’t respond. I ask myself when did I leave his office and get into the car? I must’ve have phased out. I quickly check online for “signs of madness”.

Inside, I go straight to the wine cellar, pop open a bottle, take off my clothes and walk to the mirror. I see my chin, my eye bags, my flabby arms, saggy breasts, let’s not forget my absolutely not flat tummy. I remember my age, thirty nine. I had met him at twenty seven. What was I doing? Achieving great things, building a fantastic professional portfolio. I want to cry, I can’t even cry. I want to scream I can only whisper. I’m on my third bottle of wine and I feel just fine, I’m not even tipsy.

I slowly begin to replay his words, “she’s pregnant with twins, I’m going to marry her”. “I’m not going to let her raise two kids on her own” , “she’s normal, she doesn’t live in our world” “she’s a fashion blogger and a make up artist” “it feels nice going home to her, I don’t get to talk about work” “did you know there’s a channel on DSTV called E?” “you should watch TV more often, “it’ll help loosen you up a little bit”. “I’m sure you’ll be fine, take a break go to an island, I’ll call the agent and ask him whats the best place to vacation at this time of the year”

I didn’t even know what to think anymore, who to call, if I still had friends. I hadn’t made it to anyone’s event in over five years. I only made huge contributions. I barely call my friends, haven’t even liked their pictures on instagram. My assistant knows more about me than anyone else but shes not my friend, or is she? I’m definitely going mad.

My life as I knew it was all over. I had planned for almost everything else in life but this one. All the money in my account couldn’t fix me, all my certifications couldn’t prepare me for this. Life had won. Time to give up.

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