Forgetting you’re young doesn’t make you special

Kaye Gumera
Nov 2 · 4 min read
this is my first medium post and the template suggested a high quality image would draw more readers, so heres uh… grass.

My partner’s mother once said to me, “I don’t run to win, I run to finish.”

She’s sixty and runs 5–15 miles every effing day. She a bad bxtch.

It’s a grounding statement and one I’ve decided will guide me throughout the process of pushing through this vapor of a life. With that being said, in order to pace well on this personal race, I need to remind myself of patience, gentleness, and enthusiasm to find the significance within every moment; to appreciate my meltdowns and treat them as of equal value to all the other moments in my life. Because they’re all mine.

But alas, I am twenty years old with anxiety and I like to pretend masturbating is something I do for exploring sacred pleasure and not for the fact that I have depressive tendencies. Eh, it’s both.

There is no substitute for the truth. I appreciate my honesty.

And speaking of honesty, can we just admit that WE ALL want to be special and do special things? We want to share ourselves. We want to be heard. Felt. Seen. Understood. We aggrandize our life experience in every way we can because what else is there to do when there is so much space in the vast infinite that is the mind? We fill that shit with ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. The world gave us Instagram, and we gave it selfies.

Who told us it was okay to be this selfish?

Like, shut the f*ck up about the hype with “It’s okay to be selfish” and start realizing that the people who said that had no better words to express the importance of setting boundaries and feeling safe to make your own decisions. It’s not a pass to damage relationships while expecting no one to be affected by it.

This is why standing atop the shoulders of giants can be dangerous. I’m pretty sure we’ve cultivated a good population of people who have no skills in conflict resolution or confrontation just off of rationalizing their behaviors to “it’s okay to be selfish.” Sure man, dismiss people’s feelings. You’re officially the most superior for that. Examine the giants. Examine the statements relative to you, your intentions, and those giants. The earth is definitely round. Global warming is definitely real. Money definitely runs a lot of this world — so uh, vote with your dollar, weirdos.

I digress.

What I wanted to talk about was the fact that I’m stressing about what to do with my life as if I’m not only twenty years old with an entire lifetime waiting for me to stop judging and rushing myself.

The presence of impatience and instability within our minds does not make our problems any more important than other people’s. It does not entitle us to expecting more love from those around us. It does not entitle us to closing our hearts, ignoring the life happening just before us.

No one cares about you as much as you do, fam. If you want to boost your immunity, swallow this pill now so that hopefully the next time you compare yourself with some freak child genius, you won’t be so inclined to putting your rationality aside. You’re not a failure for not being Billie Eilish or Hanaleigh Swan, I promise.

Let us at least appreciate that there’s a number of us sensitive enough to pick up on thought patterns that do not help us. Keep doing the work.

I’m at the point in my life of understanding that I’m really not that special. My soul can rest. I’m no different than a n y o n e. And I’m not being cynical or jaded or anything. I’m acknowledging the fact that I’m just guessing.We all are. Consciously, unconsciously. And God bless the people who look good doing it.

By acknowledging that fact that we are all just testing out our personal theories, we can appreciate everyone’s potential to succeed at making their dreams become reality. This shouldn’t scare us. This should encourage us to expand ourselves in all aspects of our lives. Our confidence. Our capacity to Love. Unconditionally. Our strength. All of it.

And some days are harder than others. Sometimes its weeks. Months. Years, even. But we are young until we decide we aren’t.

I’m tired of measuring up to anything. I’m tired of not being chill. I’m just tryna vibe man. I’m just trying to be comfortable with my own mind. It helps to remember my youth. My innocence. I want to wake up with that child-like alacrity and enthusiasm for the unknown. I don’t want to have to think about being here. I just want to be here.

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