What am I?
“I was drawn to all the wrong things: I liked to drink, I was lazy, I didn’t have a god, politics, ideas, ideals. I was settled into nothingness; a kind of non-being, and I accepted it. I didn’t make for an interesting person. I didn’t want to be interesting, it was too hard. What I really wanted was only a soft, hazy space to live in, and to be left alone. On the other hand, when I got drunk I screamed, went crazy, got all out of hand. One kind of behavior didn’t fit the other. I didn’t care.” ~ Charles Bukowski ❤
As I read this, there is something that made me feel that I relate to this. I don’t know most times whether what I feel, say, emote is what I want and I do exist on the extremes. At times, I care too much, I love too much, express my hopes, desires, happiness, sadness too much and the next moment, things break me, things looks hazy but that moment I’m comfortable in that ambiguity.
I always feel that I have not said enough, I have not expressed enough, may be people didn’t get me, and it shakes me that I feel hollow most of the times. There is something that breaks me each day and it is that hazy space that helps me reconcile. Is it something that everyone of us feel and undergo?
Do all of us have these extreme faces? These spaces of nothingness and state of non-being makes me connected with myself and yet leaves me bewildered thinking that I haven’t felt enough, it creates this hollow space and I am getting use to this.All I’m thinking is do I care or am I giving in to this unknown emotion within myself?
#bukowski #emotions #ambiguity