Let me just say that you will be hearing from my attorney as soon as he escapes from rehab.
Ted Jones
51

Dear Mr. Jones,

The fact that you were able to correctly use both ellipses and a semi-colon in the same sentence betrays the fact that you are one of the “Grammarians Revolted About Mr. Mildew’s Stuff” (GRAMMS) that have been plaguing the letter sections of our publications for over a decade. I have to ask, don’t you people have cats to feed? Did you really finish the New York Times crossword so quickly that the balance of your Sunday morning can be spent writing to us? Why won’t you break down and start doing the crypto-quote or sudoku? It would help, well… everyone.

I have a question I have always wanted to ask the GRAMMS. How do you spell “pest”? Oh, that’s right, I remember now… “C-O-P-Y E-D-I-T-O-R,” amirite?

The word “Hemet” in the title of “Swim Fins and Football Hemets” is not a typo, by the way. The word “hemet” is an archaic regional variation of the word “helmet.” Our use of it is meant to convey the historical nature of our publication. Have you ever wondered why so few of the hemets featured in our magazine have face masks?

I would cancel your subscription and refund your money, but since I’m sure you’re a librarian, I wouldn’t want to deprive the retirees that populate your reading room the pleasure of reading Swim Fins and Football Hemets. Why should they suffer the consequences of your unwillingness to embrace the patois of Northern Mushamaguntic?

We look forward to your legal action. As we say here at the Mill, “Without action, there can be no distraction.”

I’m not sure what that means, but I’m sure you get the idea.

Yours,

Gutbloom

cc: Legal Department, Cat Lady Copyeditors, LLC, and Stan the Bartender

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