Fan Fiction the Way We Like It


My complaints about Medium are growing shrill, even to my own ears. It seems clear I like it here and am staying for the summer. I am finding a fair amount of funny, but really my appetite is insatiable. All I want to do is read silly things.

This is an Internet community that seems to lack all of the essential ingredients of an Internet community. I’ve already talked about the dearth of bad poetry, but this joint lacks commenters, trolls, memes, cat pictures, flame wars, and Elvish. Yes, you heard me right, I said “Elvish”. I’ve never read more stories on the Internet devoid of Klingon and Elvish than I have here, so I have to ask; what the fuck is wrong with you people and what are you doing on the Internet?

Let’s get the ball rolling. Medium needs some fan fiction. I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about. Wait, maybe you don’t. In this freakish, alternate universe perhaps there are Internet authors who don’t know about fan fiction. Seems incredible, but, then again, I never thought people could write so much about full stack marketing, so maybe we’re all learning something. I’ll explain. Fan Fiction is when you take characters you love and make them do what you want (like, you know, put on swim fins and football helmets and drink absinthe smoothies), usually with complete disregard for their actual character or the writing style that gave birth to them. At least good fan fiction works that way. I mean, what fun is it making Queequeg’s tattoos light up in a rave if you have to ape Melville’s prose to do it?

So, let’s get on with it. Here are three characters I can’t get enough of:

It’s Alright Maia, I’m Only Bleeding

Gandalf: Abe, do you have this month’s rent?
Abe Lincoln: I’ve got it in my hat.
Gandalf: Give it to me, please.
Abe Lincoln: No
Gandalf: Have you been looking into the planitier again? If you have, you better say your prayers.
Abe Lincoln: I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go.
Gandalf: Auta miqula orqu
Abe Lincoln: Come again?
Grandalf: I said, “Go kiss an orc” in Elvish. Free up the rent some time during the Third Age or I use my wizard voice to call Mary Todd.
Abe Lincoln: Here you go. [retrieves a handful of food stamps from hat and hands them to Gandalf]
Gandalf: Thanks for nothing. I’m sorry I kicked Sauruman out of this place. He, at least, paid rent.
[Enter Bob Dylan]
Gandalf: You’re back. Did you score any pipe weed from that Hobbit friend of yours? What was his name, Alan Ginsing or something?
Bob Dylan:

I went into a restaurant
Lookin’ for the cook
I told them I was the editor
Of a famous etiquette book
The waitress he was handsome
He wore a powder blue cape
I ordered some suzette, I said “Could you please make that crepe”
Just then the whole kitchen exploded
From boilin’ fat
Food was flying everywhere
And I left without my hat

Gandalf: I’ll take that as a “No”…. Abe, do you want a drink?
Abe Lincoln: It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
Gandalf: Kazad Fudoum
Abe Lincoln: Huh?
Gandalf: That’s “Amen” in Dwarvish
Bob Dylan: Abe, can I borrow your hat? I have to take a picture for an album cover.
Abe Lincoln: Isihmimish Lothcelefaenor
Bob Dylan: What?
Gandalf: That’s “no way, schmuck” in the tongue of Mordor.
[Abe and Gandalf laugh together. Exit Bob Dylan]

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