How To Be a Soul Blogger

Gutbloom
Gutbloom
Jul 24, 2015 · 5 min read

In the 1987 surfing masterpiece/teen exploitation film, The North Shore (currently 6.4 stars on IMDB) a youth spends the summer in Hawaii, falls in with a surfing “guru” named Chandler, and fulfills the hero’s journey by winning a surfing competition AND scoring the hot, local, Hawaiian girl played by Nia Peeples (who may or may not be part Polynesian, but, more importantly, used to open for Liberace in Vegas!).

Chandler, the wizened (not so old) guru, is a “soul surfer.” He instructs the young hero on the spiritual aspects of surfing. Soul surfers, you see, surf for the pleasure of surfing and eschew the commercial surf “scene”. The message of the movie is clear: If you want to win, you have to surf not to win but to surf, then you WIN! Isn’t that great? It’s so easy!

So, since a lot of people want to win at blogging, I will be your Chandler. Yea, man, you heard me right. I am a soul blogger. I am the bloggiest blogger in all of bloggaville. I’m the real deal. It’s been bloggoration across the nation for years now. I am an OLD SKOOL blogger. I was blogging before you were born. I blogged on ARPANET on a Tandy 1000. I was blogging before there were cats on the Internet, which means I was blogging before there was an Internet. In my last life, I blogged before there were cats… in the Oasis at Silwa. I was blogging in hieroglyphics on clay tablets. You could look it up. I’ll teach you how to soul blog, and then you can WIN.

I have no idea what “…like your hair on fire” means. It just is one of those things people say, like, “it is what it is,” that I don’t really understand but like to repeat anyway. Scratch that… that I like to blog anyway. See how I am blogging and you’re not? If you’re reading, you’re not blogging, which means I’m closer to my 10,000 hours of mastery and the tipping point of riches. Sorry you had to find out this way. Remember, Bloggers are like crabs in a basket; one tries to crawl out, and the others pull him back down. Thanks for reading!

Fuck Medium. Fuck Kinja, Fuck Bloggspot, Fuck LiveJournal. These “platforms” that give you storage for free are just trying to monetize you. If you let them make you their slave, you can be their slave, but you owe them nothing. Without you, they would have bupkis. That’s why my title is “Tribune of Medium”. In the early Roman Republic, the Plebeians had no say in running Rome. During the Conflict of Orders (which, by the way, is “good history,” as in; “might be totally not true but is a better story than the boring things that really did happen” history) the plebeians voted with their feet. At a time of war, the plebeians left Rome and camped out on the Sacred Mount. With no plebeians to order about, the Patricians quickly capitulated and allowed the underclass to elect a plebeian Tribune. So, when it comes to blogging platforms, fuck them. I mean, fuck them, amirite? The bitches at Medium sneeze wrong and I’m outta here. I’ll vote with my feet. I’ll take my dreck elsewhere. I’m only here because of the shitshow at Gawker anyway. Had I but served my God with half the zeal that I have served Denton, He would not in mine age have left me naked to mine enemies.

Jim Morrison, when told that he would “never do the Ed Sullivan Show again” because he had refused to the change the lyrics to Light My Fire, replied, “we just DID the Sullivan show.” Like the “hair on fire” phrase above, I’m not really sure what that means, but it sounds like something a soul blogger would say, and I am a soul blogger.

If you’re looking to bundle up your posts and get them printed as a book, or hoping that the stooges over at Harper-Collins will interrupt their martini soaked lunches to deal you a hand, then you are not a soul blogger. When you hit the “publish” button on Medium that is it. You ARE published. There is no “next level”. This is it, the final stop. This is it, of course, until you cross-post that crap onto a couple other platforms, or wait for the development of a new platform to repurpose that garbage again, as I am doing here.

If you take a dime for your blogging you are no soul blogger. You’re a fucking sellout… but if someone wanted to give you a dime bag for your blogging… well, that’s just friendliness, right?

Everything you do is part of the blog. Say your partner says something sweet to you. You should blog that! People love to read personal things. Perhaps you are momentarily pissed off by the disabled old person in front of you shuffling through that little space between the outer and inner door at the grocery store; you should blog that! In fact, when you move to the higher consciousness of blogging you ARE blogging that, because instead of experiencing life in the present, you BLOG YOUR LIFE IN YOUR HEAD AS IT HAPPENS. Like, right now, even when I’m blogging, I’m thinking about how I will blog this again later on one of my eight other blogs.

You want to win, don’t you? You know how winners win? They win by co-opting spiritual exercises that are fundamentally at odds with the idea of competition. This is called a life “hack”. In addition to a blogger, I’m also a life hacker. I’m the hackiest hacker in all of hackville.

Thank you for reading this far into the mire.

Gutbloom

Written by

Gutbloom

Tribune of Medium. Mayor Emeritus of LiveJournal. Third Pharaoh of the Elusive Order of St. John the Dwarf. I am to Medium what bratwurst is to food.