In Hell They Eat Mayonnaise
A Metaphysic of Condiments
Theologians like St. Augustine spent a lot of time arguing out the particulars of the “neo-platonic metaphysic,” which, as best as I can figure, was essentially a list of beings ranked according to their relative divinity. The great ontological ranking system ran from God (being) down to Satan (non-being) with cherubim, seraphim, angels, humans and horses in between.The celestial hierarchy, in case you didn’t know, goes like this:
seraphim • cherubim • thrones • dominions • virtues • powers • principalities • archangels • angels
I’ve listed it from highest to lowest. Traditionally, it would be listed from lowest to highest. That’s because preceding generations generally started with what they knew and worked up. Today, we’re obsessed with who’s on top, and I didn’t want to confuse anyone.
To the medieval mind, everything could be understood in terms of hierarchy. This tradition, in a denuded incarnation, comes to us in the form of lists, like the list of the “10 sweatiest cities” that The New York Times once published, and the listicles on Buzzfeed. You know what a listicle is, don’t you?
Humpty-Dumpty explained it best:
“But what is a listicle?” asked Alice.
“It’s another portmanteau,” said…
