The veep boldly goes where no man has gone before, sort of.

Mike Pence is the perfect second banana, a loving, loyal lapdog eager to please his master and lick his face. The V.P. ‘took the con’ on Thursday and announced the sixth branch of the U.S. military, Space Force.

“High above the clouds and below heaven, there is a place called space,” Pence declared. “Because space is dark, Space Force soldiers will need flashlights. Big ones. The kind with six or eight size D batteries. And since there may be bad guys in space, Space Forcers will need guns, lots of guns. White hats, too. They’ll need megaphones, too, since they say in space no one can hear you scream. We’re investigating what size batteries megaphones use.”

Pence appeared confident as he made this special announcement for President Trump who was on vacation. Pence had swagger, like Barney Fife showing the bullet he keeps in his shirt pocket to Goober, Emmett, and Floyd the barber.

“This administration believes Space Force soldiers need to look their absolute best,” Pence told The Lint Screen. “To make sure that happens, we have hired the best designer in the universe. I’m excited to announce that Space Force uniforms will be designed by the one, the only — Ivanka, from the prestigious House of Ivanka. And to house Space Force on the moon, plans are being drawn for a Lunar Trump Tower to be constructed soon. The luxurious property will be surrounded by a big, beautiful wall to keep aliens out. A wall that will be paid for by Mexico.”

Pence began getting teary-eyed. “Space Force will make our glorious leader happy. And that makes me happy, too.” Pence sobbed quietly, regained his composure and continued.

In closing, I command — stop the witch hunt! Stop it now! Putin is not such a bad guy,not compared to Mueller and Rosenstein. They and the media are the enemies of the people. Never, ever question glorious leader!”

The vice president then knelt and prayed for six hours as angels looked on yawning.


Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) is a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to be a full-time writer, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).

Thanks for reading.