World Leaders Strengthen Twitter Capabilities In Prep For Prez Trump
Prepare the safe room and stock the bomb shelter, come January 20, you may need to take cover!
With the election of Donald J. Trump as President, the United States faces dangers never before imagined. “It’s going to be a different world,” confessed a Trump insider.
Trump has a reputation for his powerful and deadly Twitter strikes that consume the news media and can send financial markets reeling. World leaders have taken notice and are making significant preparations to ready themselves. A CIA insider spoke to The Lint Screen on the condition of remaining anonymous and receiving a Grande nonfat Starbucks latte and a blueberry scone.
“We’ve been receiving numerous reports globally of actions being taken by bad actors,” the source said. “Ouch, that latte’s scorching. Better let it cool down. Anyway, we’re hearing reports our enemies are taking extreme measures to counteract potential Trump Twitter attacks.”
The tipster said Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaida’s top leader, has recruited a Twitter specialist “known for his razor-sharp wit and nasty aggressiveness.” Likewise, North Korea’s god, Kim Jong-un, has assembled a team of Twitter sharp shooters with thumbs a-blazing. “We’re hearing the Kimster has been blowing smoke about some pre-emptive Twitter strikes against the Donald, but to date, we have no confirmation. If that’s true, it could get real ugly real fast. Potentially we’re looking at the prospect of a Tweet war of biblical proportion.”
Ali Khamenei, the Supreme Leader of Iran, is not only bolstering his Twitter capabilities but is also exploring other ‘nuclear’ options. “We have it on good authority that the bearded wonder is exploring an aggressive use of Snapchat and Pinterest, which could be a whole new ballgame. Our country is only now beginning to explore those social media weapons.”
There are no confirmed reports of actions taken by Russia’s boy toy leader, Vladimir Putin, although rumors say his relationship toward the U.S. is softening.
“We’ve heard through back channels there may be an attempt by the Russian Leader to make a Facebook friend request of DJT,” said the CIA source as he attempted a sip of his latte. “Ah, that’s much better. We’re taking a wait and see approach, but a friend request would be huge for the relationship of our countries and could even spur some ‘likes.’”
Even U.S. allies are showing some concern of Trump Twitter strikes. “We have it on good authority that Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel is exploring the use of Instagram in protecting her country’s interests,” the CIA blabbermouth said in his disgusting coffee breath. “Suffice to say, it’s going to be a brave new world come January 20th.”
Indeed it will be.
Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of Ames Scullin O’Haire Advertising (ASO), and has created campaigns helping Georgia Aquarium, The Coca-Cola Co., UPS, Golf Pride Golf Grips, Mitsubishi Electric, Delhaize America, Georgia Natural Gas, Mellow Mushroom and more.