The Woman in Tampon Ads Speaks
Oh, hello there! I was so busy twirling in my brightly-colored skirt that I almost didn’t see you. I adore twirling, don’t you? It makes me feel so joyful & carefree, which I definitely prefer to my single other emotion, which is embarrassment!
I’m glad you came, though, because I would like to speak to you today about empowerment. Being a woman sure is tough, isn’t it? Whether you’re taking a yoga class, wearing white pants, or expelling copious quantities of mysteriously blue fluid from your body, femininity comes with so many challenges!
Thankfully, the makers of pads and tampons have empowered me, a woman composed entirely of tinted moisturizer & menstrual blood, to do exciting things like walk into a boardroom smiling, try rock climbing, and practice more yoga! If it weren’t for them, I might have to sit at home frowning and pressing a hand to my lower abdomen — and that’s not an empowering thing to do at all. Thanks to tampons, I can do anything in the whole world so long as it’s exciting, instagrammable, and completely non-threatening to men!
I know you can relate, because I’m just like you: I have kids, or I don’t; I might have a boyfriend, but I have a LOT girlfriends; sometimes I’m a stay-at-home mom, and other times I have a career; but I definitely always do yoga! And I think empowerment is so important to gals like us. It’s about rallying together and lifting womankind up! Or, if social movements and activism aren’t really your thing, it’s about getting ahead personally without any consideration for women as a whole! I’m okay with whatever empowerment means to you, basically! All I know is, tampons have it. Take it from me, a woman created by four men with undercuts: all you have to do to be empowered is use tampons! You don’t have do anything else or stand for anything at all or use big words like ‘femini’- oops! I almost said the F-word! Sorry, geez, I’d hate to offend you. It’s SO unnatural when women are upset!
Anyway, I have a busy schedule of diving into crystal-blue pools to attend to, but I’m really glad we had this talk. You can trust me, a woman born of Zeus’ unholy union with an Instagram Influencer. I want you to know that I’ve got your back, I feel your pain (and by pain, I mean embarrassment, because what else is there?), and I share your values — so long as they’re completely superficial and meaningless!
Also, I really love yoga.