Self-Compassion
I stare at the book Self-Compassion (by Kristin Neff)on my bookshelf. When my friend Mem sent it to me, I read it three or four years ago and placed more than a dozen neon pink post-it-notes on the pages with suggested exercises. A study suggests that after giving birth one’s self-esteem is significantly damaged for at least three years. A meme says: forget self-esteem and instead choose self-compassion. When I was pregnant and even for the first few weeks postpartum I was able to be gentle with myself. Why have I lost access to that?
One year ago I had an eight-week-old and I thought I was tired. I was still riding the high of accomplishing something I never fully believed I could do, giving birth. It took every affirmation card, every hypnobirthing practice, every ounce of trust in my partner, my midwife, my doula that I could muster to push out my baby. I never trusted my body — but I gave birth anyway. I am stronger than I think. This afternoon I find it miraculous to have an hour to myself while my child naps on her own; 36 hours into a fever, she has barely slept unless attached to a boob since Sunday.
We have lived in three apartments in this town: the first two were within walking distance of playgrounds, but where we live now (where we moved when my daughter was under four-months) we have to drive to get anywhere. Isolation is tiresome. The news is agonizing. I think I would be happier, more comfortable, less agitated and healthier if I cut out caffeine, dairy, booze. “We all have our vices,” said my gastroenterologist. He doesn’t make lifestyle suggestions, only prescriptions and recommendations for surgical consultations.

Today I will take down the Self-Compassion book from the shelf. I will do an exercise or two when I can. I will try to stop picking at my skin. I will try to drink more water.
Exercise One: HOW DO YOU TYPICALLY REACT TO YOURSELF? What types of things do you typically judge and criticize yourself for — appearance, career, relationships, parenting and so on?…
How do you think you would feel if you could truly accept yourself exactly as you are? Does this possibility scare you, give you hope, or both?
