This is my life as I deal with my self imposed isolation after my mother’s death. Nothing can prepare you for such a epic loss, probably the hardest single event I ever had to go through. I went to federal prison for the last 10 yrs. My mother and I relationship was over the phone for along time.What i miss most is to be able and pick up the phone and call her and talk to her about anything without judgement. I remember I came to my mom with an issue and she said I don’t know I have to think about that. From there on i knew I had a genuine person with my best interest at heart. She could always bring a smile to you in the amidst of any situation. My mother found out she had breast cancer November of 2019. I was released from Federal prison on Jan 13, 2022 my mother died March 16, 2022. I had 2 months to watch her go from being able to hold a conversation to hospice to where she choked on her food and had to spit it out. The next day she died it seemed like when she started choking on her food. I broke down and couldn’t control my grief. Tears flying out of my face and the feeling of being left behind alone on this earth.

I went in total isolation and high drug use. My girlfriend at the time had to endure all of it and changed her way of viewing me through my vulnerabilities. I wasn’t myself I changed and fell hard. I had a couple of episodes with psychosis that where drug induced. I would blame my girlfriend and accuse her of everything under the sun from cheating to setting me up. I feel bad for her but she stayed by my side barely. Treats me different now our relationship is not what it use to be. Why does a life event so traumatic make people change opinions on you? I’m guessing that they haven’t been through the same event and looks down on you for being weak not showing security and stability. IT Took me several months to finally to kinda pick myself up and keep on trucking after the initial blow. That was my mom the only person who truly understood me and loved me unconditional. Trust me when that’s gone it’s a lonely feeling. They say your not a true man until your mother dies. I’m starting to believe that because I’m all on my own all my other family is dead. My brother died in a car wreck in 96, my dad died of cancer in 2011 so now my mom in 2022. I definitely feel presence around me and some sort of providence that I’m not able to understand yet. I see 111 or 1111 everywhere especially on the clock and on addresses that are my destination. I’m starting to wonder if that is some sort of sign or message. I don’t know yet I don’t trust Google. And I always find dimes everywhere now. I guess I just want to believe that she’s trying to communicate to me. I got so bad I didn’t even want to go to Walmart to get food, I had terrible social anxiety. I feel awkward now when I go out and socialize. I’m fine after a Xanax and a beer. Plus while going through the grief my chick started to go out more all the routines changed. She barely makes time for me or sex life is non- exisistant. So losing both at the same time didn’t help. She’s still around we kinda co exist and get along for the most part. I hope we can make it through. If we can weather this storm than we can make it through anything I believe. Right now I don’t like the way she treats me, I feel second rate compared to everybody else and not so much a priority. She makes me feel that I’m in the way a rock thrown in the path. I’m starting to get some confidence back now let’s work on the esteem. People with esteem do esteemable things. So tune in next time for part 2

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