When Destiny Hurts
When you see the future, when you have Visions that tell you what’s coming, and they keep coming true, how do you choose a new future? How do you choose a new destiny? How do you choose a life that doesn’t hurt you when the destiny you keep seeing leads to more and more pain?
I don’t want to believe in fate. I don’t want to believe in destiny.
The problem is that I can’t deny them anymore. I haven’t been able to deny them for a very, very, very long time.
I spent ten years running from a destiny that I saw in a Vision at 13 years old, and while a lot of great things came while I was running from that destiny, including a son, eventually, it caught up to me.
I knew when I married my first husband that it wasn’t forever, but I knew that I had to stop running from that Vision that I’d had of him when I was 13 years old and saw him for the first time. The Vision of me marrying him. I even said it out loud, “I’m going to marry him,” and the admission of that scared the fuck out of me, so for ten years, I ran from it.
And then I got tired of running, and I ended up marrying the guy from the Vision that 13-year-old Gwynne had, and it wasn’t a great marriage, but it wasn’t overly awful either. He just liked to cheat. A lot. Which was utterly stupid, because we had an open marriage with agreed upon rules that we’d sat down together and drafted to maintain security and happiness in the marriage.
- Don’t sleep with people you work with, it creates drama.
- Don’t sleep with exes, it creates drama.
- Always use protection, don’t bring home diseases.
- Don’t knock anyone up/get pregnant by someone outside the marriage.
- Always tell the truth about who you’re seeing and/or sleeping with.
He broke every single rule. Every. Single. One.
But I knew going in that the marriage had a time limit. He did, too. We both gave it about seven years, max, and sure enough, seven years is when the divorce was final. We’d already been separated for a year. Getting my best friend pregnant while having a secret affair with her killed the marriage, but we’d already been drifting apart, our lives going separate ways because we’d become such different people from when we’d gotten married. I wanted a different life than he did. It didn’t help that I tended to be a bit controlling, trying to steer our lives away from the apparent fate that I was seeing. I held onto that marriage far too long, because I wanted to prove that I could control destiny.
I’d seen the marriage, but I’d also seen the end, even before we got married.
I’d even seen what was coming next for me, though I avoided that, too.
Two years before my first husband and I split, I had a dream that I was getting married. I told my then-husband about it while we were walking around the neighborhood we lived in.
How odd a conversation to have with the man you’re married to. “Hey, I had a dream that I was getting married to someone else. I could see his face clearly. It’s a few years from now though, (kiddo) was there in the dream, and he was a teenager.”
But that’s how we were. My first husband trusted my gift; he knew that I’d had a Vision of he and I marrying when I was 13, and sure enough, it came true, so he certainly wasn’t going to argue with me. And as I said, we were already drifting apart. We just wanted vastly different things.
How do you reconcile destiny with free will? Don’t I have a choice in who I fall in love with and marry? Don’t I have a choice in what I do with my life?
After my first marriage ended, I was content being single. Not just content, I was happy being single. I had a policy: I don’t date, I just fuck.
Everyone around me knew this policy. I’m open with my sexuality and anybody that dares to judge me quickly learns that’s a bad fucking idea. I’m vicious in defending myself and my beliefs about not judging anyone for their adult sexual choices. As long as all parties are consenting, anything goes. If I want to have a one night stand, I’ll have a one night stand. If I’m in a monogamous relationship, I’m monogamous. If I’m in an open relationship, I’m open. If I’m single, anything goes.
I didn’t want a relationship. I didn’t want to date. I like solitude. I don’t crave companionship like others do. I like to fuck. Ideally, the same person, but that tends to bring relationship baggage, and I don’t have time for that.
But there was still the lingering specter of the man in that dream where I was getting married.
And then he showed up. My roommate’s baby brother, 19 years old, sitting on the couch in our living room.
For a year, neither of us made a move, but the tension between us was palpable. I avoided eye contact with him, because it was electric, and I didn’t want a relationship, and he was so young, and I was not going to let some fucking thing like destiny interrupt the life that I was building on my own. I was making good money and I was doing what I wanted to do and I didn’t have to accommodate anyone or make compromises with anyone. I’m selfish with my time and energy. I have big things to do, like figure out how to change reality with my mind, and relationships just get in the way.
And then, in January 2011, I sat downstairs in the dining room throwing runes with some friends sitting there. I must have had a puzzled look on my face, because one of them asked what’s up.
“They say I’m going to be getting into a relationship, and that it’s going to be a huge, life-altering relationship,” I said.
“But Gwynne, you don’t do relationships, you just fuck.”
I still didn’t think it was really him though. I mean, he had just turned 20 at that point, and he only came over every few months or so. We barely spoke three words to each other, there was just this odd magnetic attraction between us, surely not enough to build a relationship on. And fuck that dream I’d had five years before, because I have free will.
But once again, I couldn’t avoid fate. We fell into bed one day at a party, after actually getting permission from his sister and my son. He was friends with my son and his sister was my roommate, and we didn’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable with it. They both said, “Go for it. We don’t care. Have fun.”
The sex was fucking amazing. Mind blowing. Best sex I’d ever had, and believe me, I’ve had a lot of sex.
Even when we fell into bed together, I still thought I could cheat our destiny. I’d never told him that five years before, I’d dreamed of him. For one thing, that would have been awkward. Turns out when I was dreaming of marrying a man I didn’t even know, that man was only fifteen. I didn’t tell him, because I didn’t want to influence him.
So when we fell asleep after the most incredible sex ever, and I dreamed that he asked me to be his girlfriend, I was annoyed. This cannot be happening. He cannot be the one. I don’t care if I saw his face in a dream, maybe he just looks like the one.
Except he did ask me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes.
We were sitting in the living room. I was in the spinning office chair, he was on the couch, his sister was sitting in one of the living room chairs. She asked him, point blank, “What are your intentions with Gwynne? She’s really special.” He responded, “I really like her, and I’d really like to see where things go.”
He asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes.
But I still insisted I was going to beat destiny. I was not going to get married again. Especially not to a 20 year old.
We got married five months later.
I’d seen the marriage. Just like I’d seen the first marriage, I’d seen the second. I’d tried avoiding the first marriage and failed miserably. I tried avoiding the second marriage and failed miserably.
I’d seen them coming years before they did. Just as I’d seen many, many other events in my life and the lives of others coming. My son. The deaths of both my grandmothers. The death of one of my grandfathers. I dread the dream or Vision that tells me my other grandfather is going, but I know it’s coming sooner or later.
I’ve learned that if I have a Vision of the type that depicts me in an event, I cannot avoid that event.
It’s annoying as fuck.
I run away, and still, it happens. In the most ridiculous sorts of ways.
I saw my second marriage five years before it happened. And no matter how I ran or maneuvered or shifted, I couldn’t avoid it. Even the way we met was tinged with the sort of energy that only comes with destined events. I’d only moved in with his sister because a deck of cards told me to. I’d have never even met him if it weren’t for the reading I did for myself that prompted me to seek a new place to live, and to take a chance renting the upstairs from a couple I’d never even met.
I was losing my house. I’d signed the land contract the day my divorce was final, October 6, 2008, a week before what would have been our seventh anniversary. I’d just turned 30 the month before. I didn’t want to stay in the house we’d rented together, I wanted a fresh start, and I lucked into a three-bedroom house with a fenced backyard on land contract for $350 a month that was just a block away. My son and I literally moved all our stuff using a wheelbarrow and a plastic sled, with my ex bringing his dad’s truck to help us move the biggest furniture.
And then in early 2010, shit started going wrong.
I got notice that the taxes hadn’t been paid in three years, and the county was going to take the house. I was pissed. It was in the land contract that he’d pay the taxes until the land contract was complete. I had a choice. Come up with the $2000 to pay the back taxes and keep the house or move. I was getting a tax refund soon, I could use that to save my house, but did I really want to? It needed so many repairs, so many things were going bad. The tub leaked into the living room ceiling and that had to be fixed. The kitchen floor had a soft spot that would need bracing. The whole house needed rewiring.
I grabbed a deck of cards for insight. What should I do?
The readings led me to placing an ad on Craigslist. “Single mom looking for a place to stay. Self-employed, can afford $450 a month.”
I got an email the afternoon after posting the ad. A couple that had two rooms for rent in the upstairs of their house, and they lived just across the park from me. My son and I walked over to meet them on a Friday.
We moved in the following day. And a month later, there HE was, sitting on the couch.
A dream that said, “Here’s you getting married to a guy.”
A deck of cards that said, “Yes, take this chance and move in with these total strangers that you know absolutely nothing about.”
What do you call that other than destiny?
I did a reading for him two days after we started dating. He’d never even heard of Tarot until he came into my room while I was doing a reading for one of my roommate’s foster daughters, a girl I consider my niece.
“What’s that?” he said.
I explained that I’m a reader. I read runes, Tarot, and I’m psychic, so I just know things.
He asked for a reading, he wanted to know his future.
I hesitated. “Are you sure?” I asked him.
Even my niece said to him, “Weenie is always right, and it’s creepy.”
But he insisted.
So I shuffled.
It was the Shadowscapes Tarot. My favorite deck. I laid out a Celtic Cross. I remember the cards to this day, five years later, but three stood out the most.
King of Pentacles crossed by Queen of Pentacles as the central focus of the reading, and Four of Wands in the eight position.
These were significant because King of Pentacles was him, with the system I use for court cards. It was the first card laid out, by random chance, but it keyed me in that the reading was significant. He is here, it said to me.
Queen of Pentacles crossing the King. Queen of Pentacles is me. It’s always been one of my major significators.
And that Four of Wands in the eighth position…
Oh, that card in that position… we have such a love/hate relationship…
The first time I got that Four of Wands in the eighth position of the Celtic Cross for someone, I joked, “If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear you were getting married soon, but you’re not even seeing anyone, so we know that’s not happening.” The color drained from her face. She was going to India to celebrate her arranged engagement in two weeks, and she hadn’t told anyone, because she was afraid people would judge her for being an independent woman who wanted the arranged marriage. She went on the trip, and ended up just getting married so that people wouldn’t have to make the trip to India twice.
The next time that combo came up, I joked, “Well, the last time I saw this card in this position, the person got married a couple weeks later, but you’re not going to India for an arranged marriage, so I think you’re in the clear.” He ended up meeting someone two weeks later. I performed their wedding.
This kept happening over and over and over. Four of Wands showed up in the eighth position of the Celtic Cross. “Um, I think you’re getting married.” And they did.
It was fucking creepy.
Even if they weren’t dating anyone. Even if they’d just gotten out of a horrible marriage.
Without fail, if the Four of Wands came up in the eighth position of the Celtic Cross when I was reading someone, they got married within six months of the reading. It didn’t promise a happy marriage, but it did promise a marriage.
So when the Four of Wands shows up in the eighth position in a reading that I’m doing for my brand new boyfriend?
“It’s not me,” I told myself. “There is no fucking way I’m seeing my own marriage in a reading for someone else.”
I didn’t even want to tell him what it meant. I just sat there, staring at the cards. This could not be happening. My niece asked me what was wrong. I whispered to her, “The cards say he’s getting married in the next six months.” Her eyes got big and she just kept staring between him and I.
“What is it?” he said.
I took a deep breath. “Well,” I replied, “if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re going to be getting married in the next six months.”
And he just smiled. “That’s cool,” he said. I didn’t think he took it very seriously, and I tried like hell to put it out of my mind.
We got married five months later.
I can’t deny destiny no matter how much I try, and believe me, I’ve tried.
But the man I was destined to marry, that I’d seen in dreams and in readings and in unmistakable signs over and over and over is a toxic narcissist who won’t deal with his own shit and become a better human being.
My destiny was to marry him. Why? Why would my destiny be to marry a man who was capable of the most abject cruelty with no care for how he hurt me? Why would my destiny be to suffer through a toxic and abusive marriage that reinforced self-destructive patterns over and over and over again?
And there is the answer. Right there.
Your destiny is not always pleasant. You might encounter shit. And that shit is designed to help you see your own shit so you can clear that shit up.
Oh my GODDESS did I get good at seeing my own shit being with him.
Seeing where I’m a manipulative bitch. Seeing where I let my emotions take over and control my responses. Seeing where I try to control the outcome of every situation because I’m a genius and a psychic and I know better, and seeing how that’s just a load of bullshit because genius/psychic does not mean I know better. Seeing where I avoid confrontation and so allow pain to happen. Seeing where I make bad, reckless, impulsive decisions because I’m not holding to my own Vision for my life, not the one shown to me, but the one I’m crafting. Seeing where I let things happen and played the Victim because it felt good to play the Victim. Seeing where I let others control my life, because it was just easier to let them do it for me, instead of making my own decisions and doing my own thing.
You don’t get off the track of a particular destiny until you learn the lessons it holds for you. Only then do you get to see other possibilities.
I’m excited about the possibilities. I’m ready for whatever comes next.
And I have a suspicion of what it is. Because I’ve seen it. I don’t see how it’ll happen, I don’t see what will happen between now and then. I don’t want to. I see what’s coming, and I know what I need to do, and that’s all that matters.
I know my gift is strong, and it’s only gotten stronger in the last five years.
I’m ready for the future. Are you?