Hi Benjamin,

I understand that you were only a chid when you tried suicide for the first time. I’m so sorry life gifted you with so much suffering! I, too, tried to kill myself when I was 11. The idea was a beckoning siren for many, many years. Ultimately, in my mid-20’s I came to understand acting on this search for relief would be devastating to the people who loved me. When I was 45, my father killed himself. I’ve seen this scenario from both sides now.

You say you’ve tried since your childhood attempt.Benjamin, you must never, never, never kill yourself. Find help. Please. However much devastation I imagined when I was younger, I had absolutely no idea how much they’d suffer. It is literally like a nuclear bomb going off in your head, you’re stopped dead in your tracks and unable to think. That voice in your head that chats at you all the time? Silence. Nuclear winter. Recovery doesn’t even begin to happen for two years after the event.

It’s not that I’m judging you. Please know that. I understand the motivation. Sometimes it feels like you can barely pick yourself off the ground. Find help. Please find help. Self-murder is no way to end your life…and not just for the impact it’ll have on people who love you. Take good care of yourself, okay?