Days. That’s all they are.

I cried. I cried all night last night and I cried today. I cried in church and I cried on my couch at home. I spent a lot of today by myself and usually that’s how I like to spend my Sunday’s. Sunday’s besides being the Lords day is my day for me to do what I want. I need to spend this time to get myself back together for my new week. However, I don’t know how I am going to continue my days with what’s happening to the family around me.

The relationship my mother has with everyone in my family is absolutely killing me. I feel physical and mental pain over it. She is the most negative person I have ever in my life encountered. If she is not happy no one can be happy. I can’t imagine someone wanting to live their life with such hate always being the first emotion that consumes their body when they wake. Same for my sisters. I am the middle child. My older and younger sister do not speak to one another and my oldest sister doesn’t speak to my mother, or any of my family for that matter. Pathetic. That’s the only word that comes to mind when I think of those 3. Call me judge mental. I do not care. They all thrive on hate and making everyone around them miserable like a disease that’s plaguing our immediate family.

A little background on how/when my family fell apart? My dad died in 2014. He died about 2 hours or so before his 46th birthday. He was killed in a head on collision between our ATV and a car. My fiancé who is now my husband was also on the ATV with my dad. I will be short and sweet about it before the flood gates open up. My mother and father didn’t have the best of relationships but I do know somewhere way down inside their souls they loved one another. Truthfully, that might not have been the case but it makes it easier if I tell myself that. When my dad died my mom completely lost her ever loving mind!!! But then again, my mom is also the type of person that thinks only bad things in the world happen to her and she always questions why?! She would know why if she took a step back and looked at her life and how raising 3 women requires and substantial amount of knowing what she is doing and how it affects us! Whatever. I’ll stay mad about that issue for a while. Moving on…

Although I am the only non-red head out of my sisters and me, I am definitely treated like the red headed step child or black sheep if you will. My mother and sisters were all very close up until a year ago. Me on the other hand I have always felt like some part of me came from one half my dad and one half my grandma and those 2 people were influential to me. One I strived to be nothing like and the other I strive to be all the time. Well, parts of her (my grandma) at least. My mother has always been jealous of the relationship I have with my grandma. But, that’s just what you get when you spend too much time raising 2 of the most ungrateful children on Gods green earth. The other child watches from the outside on what not to be and takes lessons from the positive mentor in her life. Now, I know I sound like I take my mother for granted. I do not. She took care of me and my sisters and worked very hard her whole life to take care of us. I’m talking now in her adult life when things count and we understand what’s going on.

I pray tirelessly for my mother and sisters to regain some type of relationship. I may not be as close to them as I wished but I do know better. At the end of the day they are still my family. I would do anything for all of them. But, what I won’t do anymore is keep trying to help people who don’t want to help themselves. It breaks me and my spirit to see mothers and daughters against each other.

That girl up there in that picture… I need her back. I need to stop making other adults problems my own. Even if they are family. I can only do so much and then comes God.

Prayers and love.

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