Memo to “Libertarians”: You’re Not Fooling Anyone

Longtime GOP strategist Mary Matalin’s change in party registration from Republican to Libertarian raised a few eyebrows when it hit the news, but the proper response to her, or anyone, making such a change is not to raise the eyebrows but the irises, from one corner of the top of one’s field of vision to the other top corner — that is, a good old-fashioned eye-roll of the first order. “Libertarian” as a political term is a designation with no meaning, beyond claiming that one’s policies can’t be as terrible as they seem because they were implemented not by “Libertarians” but Republicans. If that isn’t the national party’s motto, it needs to be: “Libertarians: no, seriously, we’re totally different!”

There’s inevitably going to be speculation that Matalin’s move, and those of a whole bunch more like her, are because the GOP is poised to nominate Donald Trump for President. There might be a great many more people jumping ship for that orange-coiffed reason, but they needn’t feel too self-conscious if you ask me — Trump has only been a Republican for about the last 15 minutes, after all his other 15 minutes-es expired. The real uptick in “I’m not a Republican, I’m a Libertarian” isn’t composed of people running from being indentified with Donald Trump, it came and went already in the mid-to-late 2000s, composed of people running from being identified with George W. Bush. Why?

Easy. Because Bush actually got to implement the policies “Libertarians” champion, and as a direct result the entire world got a front row seat when — hey, what do you know? they don’t freaking work. Tax cuts for the wealthy and service cuts for everyone else? Hello, Great Recession! Privatizing the military? Awesome, here come a bunch of unnecessary conflicts designed to drag out as long as possible to maximize the money made from them! Privatizing the prison industry? Nice to meet you, mass incarceration on a ludicrous scale! (Not just Bush’s fault by any means, but descended directly from decades of Republican puffed-chest “law and order” rhetoric.)

Today, Bush can no longer turn his cannons on the kingdom, but in his un-illustrious stead there’s plenty more for “Libertarians” to want to somehow pretend has nothing to do with them. Sam Brownback’s Kansas? Nightmare. Bobby Jindal’s Louisiana? Train wreck. Rick Snyder’s Michigan? Don’t drink the water! The dazzling roster of Republican Presidential candidates, and their mind-blowing rhetorical skills? Dumpster fire, in a train wreck, in a nightmare, while somehow also being a radioactive sludge pile. If, God forbid, Donald Trump is given the chance to implement “Libertarian” economic policies as George W. Bush was, the result would be exactly the same.

Where “Libertarians” (those scare quotes aren’t going anywhere, folks, I’m keeping this up until my Shift keys stop working) are laughably delusional is when they try to point out that all of those problems are the doings of members of the Republican Party, and totally not “Libertarians” as though that means a damn thing.

What “Libertarian” policies that aren’t boilerplate Reaganism would have made any difference whatsoever in Republican-run dystopias? Was Bobby Jindal being pro-gay marriage going to pick up the flaming ruins of Louisiana’s economy and turn it into California? Was Sam Brownback going to fund the most basic and desperately needed state services by ending eminent domain? Was Rick Snyder going to un-erode the lead pipes in Flint by legalizing prostitution?

No, no, and Motherfucking Of Course Not. “Libertarian” policies are disastrous because 1. “conservative” economic policies are disastrous, and 2. they’re the same damn thing. Those minutiae that “Libertarians” claim make them totally different from proven conservative policy failures are a pure red herring, disingenuously put forth for the sole purpose of disguising the fact that “Libertarian” economic policy — the only “Libertarian” policy they seem truly committed to — has been tried repeatedly and failed just as often. “Libertarians” in this day and age expend precisely zero energy advocating for any policy not shared by the Republican Party — that is, except for the sole purpose of feebly trying to demonstrate that they aren’t one and the same.

But as long as “Libertarians” form a separate party from the Republicans that is guaranteed never to have any ability to actually put anything they say into practice, they can continue to insist that everything they propose would work just great if only it were given a chance. If only people would just vote for them, rather than for the same old Republicans who in reality are politically identical. They can say this because, and only because, they know it will never happen. They know they will never have any power at any level as a third party, and therefore be forced to put up or shut up. (Which could only end in their shutting up, because, again, their policies don’t work.)

But that doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t call them out for what they really are. The GOP is now the Party of Trump, but “Libertarians” are squarely within the GOP; they’re just delusional about it.