He woke up with a bad hangover and grunted to shut down the fucking alarm on his bedside table. Messaging his temple for a few second before opening his eyes and swung his foot off the bed.
“Good morning, baby.” He whispered and kissed his husband photo before putting it again on his bedside table. He smiled and nodded before walked to the bathroom.
Bacon and sunny side-up egg always be his breakfast for the past months, something his husband will not allow him to have because, *“IT’S GREASY, JOONG!”*
Soft chuckle escape his lips as he set the table to eat his breakfast. Their house feels empty, so empty he was always afraid to come home every night. He would spend his days after work mostly in a bar, drinking, and come home in half sobered stated sometimes he slept on the floor right beside their front door. Something his husband would not allowed too.
The sunny side-up eggs he ate taste salty, not because he put too much salt on them –but because his tears mixed up on his plate. But he will still ate everything on his plate, since Dunk, his beloved husband hate it when he left something on his plate. He keep eating as he smiles to a framed picture of his husband in front of him. He always put his picture on the table in front of him, to accompany him eating.
Dunk burned everything he own, including every single picture of him. But Joong still have some photo of him when he’s stalking him back in their teenage days. When he was so in love with this beautiful kids in their neighborhood, who used to play on the sunflower field that owned by his family. The beautiful boy who turned to be a beautiful man he called husband.
He remember that time when he used to take a picture of that beautiful boy every time he and his best friend, Pond Naravit, played on the sunflower field. Remember how when they already together, he will take a picture of Dunk sleeping beside him without him knowing. He remember just how much he loves Dunk he took photos of him in every chance he got. Remember how much he loves Dunk until he couldn’t even sleep without him beside him.
But he forgot about him once he met View. Ended hurting Dunk in every possible way he could.
He never met with View again after he lost Dunk –he never met anyone again. He shut himself inside their house, busy doing nothing but crying and lamenting like he was the most pitiful human being.
It was 2 months after Dunk funeral that he start to care again, care about the world. The world without Dunk. He would woke up feeling miserable everyday, and start his day. Being a company president doesn’t allow him to take a break forever. He has employee to take care of. Dunk always complained to him when he took too much time off the company. His Dunk always complain about everything.
View came to his office days after he came back to the office, and ask him to fulfill his promise to marry him. Joong have been wanting to go meet her to set things up, but he’s too busy ruining himself with alcohol and tears from his eyes. Talking about sarcastic remark Dunk would say if he saw him right now.
“The obstacle in our love is gone, Joong. Finally.”
Joong give the tape and letter View sent to Dunk back to her and the divorced papers she gave him too. He want to slap View for calling Dunk an Obstacle. His Dunk. But he want to slap himself more, for loving someone like her in the first place. He want to blame View about everything, but he realized that he was the one to blame.
He ended their relationship with View, “Dunk is not an obstacle, he is MY husband. And we’re both killed him.” View didn’t think that Joong would know about her sending this tape and letter. But what she doesn’t know that a married couple never keep a secret, well, that was on Dunk’s side since Joong keep his affair with View from him.
Happiness is no longer in his life since Dunk gone. He feels miserable every morning, and more when the night comes. There are no Dunk when he woke up, and no more Dunk when he came home at night. His heart hurting every time he come back home to an empty house, he couldn’t hear a sound from their kitchen anymore–a place where Dunk always cooks for him, and he have to sleep on the cold bed, alone.
+++
He’s now standing in front of a black marble headstone with gold writing on it. “Dunk Natachai Boonprasert-Aydin. Beloves son, husband, brother and friend.”
Joong put a bouquet of sunflowers on the headstone and leaned down to kiss it. A routine he started to do since he walked out his house after the funeral. He remember he ran to nearest flower shop then run here, crying while seeking for forgiveness. He should go to a church for forgiveness, but he didn’t need god forgiveness, he needed Dunk’s.
“How are you, baby.? Good?” He slowly run his hand on the smooth surface of the headstone. “I am not too good over here, since I missed you so bad…” he whispered as tears started falling on his checks.
After all those years crying, he was though there are no longer tears to shed. He even shocked himself that he can still crying on his forties.
“I am sorry… I still can’t come to meet you.” He smiled and wipe his tears with his sleeve. “I guest you still didn’t want to meet me, huh? Ten years still not enough for you to forgive me. You’re still mad at me, right, baby?” He smiles more.
He looked around the cemetery, only white as long as he can see. The only one who would come a cemetery in this cold winter weather like this, maybe, is him. But he doesn’t care. He need to see Dunk, or he won’t be able to live. To live and suffer some more through his life as a punishment for hurting his husband he promised to protect in front of god on their wedding.
When the time comes for him to meet Dunk, he will beg for his forgiveness again. Dunk maybe will punch, kick or choke him to death (again), but until then, he’ll take this cruel punishment called living.
“I am going home now, baby. Please wait for me a little longer.” He kissed the black marble stone once more. “I love you.”
It’s funny when he think just how easy now to said he loves Dunk when he remember he never say that words to him since he meet View. He was the one who asked Dunk out, asked his hand in marriage, but he’s the one who make him suffer through their marriage, talked about irony. He though he loves Dunk more, but he realized Dunk loves him much more than he loves Dunk. After all, he almost left Dunk for View when Dunk keep waiting for him.
He keeps waiting.
He just hope Dunk is waiting for him now too in his sleep.
+++
It was his 58th birthday last week, he never though he’ll life this long, and here he is now. Looking at the white ceiling in the hospital with all this medical equipment around him and doctors run in and out of the big room.
Cancer.
All those years drowning himself in alcohol finally did him. No one will tell about too much alcohol is not healthy since he live by himself since then. No Dunk to complain and took all his liquor away from him.
It’s hurt. He can feel his body started to root inside. 5 years living with cancer has made him realized just how bad his sin was. He though he will die and see Dunk 5 years ago but God want to give him yet another punishment than couldn’t meet his love sooner. His body suffering for 5 full years, but now he feels relieved.
Maybe this time, is finally his time. His time to meet him.
His eyelids feels too heavy, feels like he want to sleep after days didn’t sleep. He stopped to fight the sleepiness, and close his eyes. Then he saw him.
Standing there, several meters in front of him, dazzling in his white hoodie, smiling brightly to him. He looks just like he remembered, so beautiful, so alive. He realized that his 58 years old body has change too, he was himself who just turned 18 –himself when he first saw Dunk and fall in love with him. Dunk stretch out his hand toward him and grinned, his low soft voice reached his ear, “My dummy”.
Joong grinned back and run forward his Dunk. To that beautiful husband of his. Run toward his only one.
FIN
