Misfit

I have this feeling inside that I can describe in many ways.

One in how I settled and awake in between hustling train rails. Everything seems to be at speed. Everything seems to be getting someplace. Everything seems to have it all figured out. Angst and insecure, I would wait for mine to come. But, as much as I can calm myself, my train does not seem to come fast enough. Everybody is getting somewhere. Here I am waiting.

One in how I swam to the ocean in rising tides. The more I push through, the harder the tides would wash me away. Two strokes forward, Three strokes back. The more vigorously I strive, the more desperate the distance is. And, my feet would lose the landscape and I have nothing to stride on. Here I am, floating in a vastness of chaos. I just need to fight against the current, although overwhelmingly crushed tides by tides.

One in how everyone seems to make friends except me. One is how everyone seems to get their shit together except me. One in how everyone seems to get it all figured out except me.

Where did this all come from? When did it start?

So, I chose to run faster than anyone else. I figured, I would not drown if I rise above the sea. I don’t need to swim, I’ll fly instead. I figured, I will not need trains if I can run as hurried as them. I will not be waiting, let me get my shoe and start rushing instead. I figure, I have to be hard on myself, my life, and everything around me. To control my own destiny, to not let anyone else leave me behind. I figure, if I am hard on myself, life will be bearable a little bit.

Because then, I will not be playing the game everyone else is playing. I am just tired of everyone figuring out the game sooner than I am. Getting the head start I didn’t have. I’ll be done with my own game before they even blink. That is the only way to ensure, never again in my life I let anyone, anything, left me behind.

I guess that is where all this came from. Knowing, you can have everything and lose it all in one day. Knowing, life can be destroyed like the past doesn’t even matter. I have seen enough high rise, and low fall in my early life to know. I have seen enough loyalty revoked, and betrayal undone to know,

Standing still is an illusion that we have to get out of. Run. Run. Run. Don’t let the world catch on.

What is the price of all this? To not be understood of course. If you run around the way I do, sooner or later they’ll see you in the light of unreasonability. Unnecessity hardships. Excessive and ignorant. Mean and Unsatisfied. Should I care though?

Of course, I care. You know what, my heart seems to be a broken glass, ready to be even more broken by days. And, I am not ready for this to shatter once again. But, it is never supposed to be easy. And, we do not get to choose. The road we walked was supposed to be chosen by us, walked by us, and completed by us. So, yes I care, but I will continue on walking, anyway.

And, honestly, it helps. For the price I have to pay, I do not mind walking at night if it means the people I care about got to walk safely on every bright new day. How their life is lifted. Eased.

So, I traded it in. From feeling like a fix in a variable world. From living life in a fast-forwarded world. I traded it in with a different feeling. Now, I have this feeling inside that I can describe in many ways.

One in how you are in a fast track forward train. You read a good book, so good it kept you awake. But, by the time you finished, you looked around and you knew no one. And, you wish you knew someone, anyone. So, you wait to get somewhere you know.

One in how you drive alone in a foreign city. You drive all night long, nowhere to go. Just admiring, absorbing the glimmering city lights. It is indeed a strange feeling, to stroll in a city where no one knows you.

One in how you are the only person awake when everyone is asleep. One you have to be different, in order to be part of it. One where you need to be the bad one, in order to do the right thing.

Try to imagine that though, to give everything you have to survive but only to find out you survive alone. So, you sit, you observe the clouds below, the changing colour of the sky, and of course you can see stars, now. But, again, what is the value of that? When what is seen only by ourselves, is it even real?

But, I guess I see the resemblance now. I relax, the world breaks me, I suffer alone. I fight, I win, I celebrate alone.

So, now, why would I care? I was not really alone though. There are people in my life that come and definitely go. I am happy enough, knowing, I did what I think will make people that I care about better off after they met me. I know my role in this world. I was made for it, it is written on the stars. So, I will wear it with pride with no regrets and I will gladly accept the consequences.

And, for me, I no longer drive in a foreign city alone. Nor I longer sit on a train full of strangers. I now have three heartbeats that I will protect with all I have. That is the only thing that matters to me, now. Three heartbeats that made anything in this big bad world means nothing compared to them.

So, why would I care? Well, I guess I no longer am.