When One Might Ask.
“What is it you are looking for?” He looked at me as if he knows the answer better than I do. I stare into his eyes to figure out what it is, but I was disturbed by the fact that this man has made me realize that what I think I am looking for in life might not right, at all. I answer with a simple line, “Perfect Life.”
“Then what is it perfect life by your definition?” he asked again, this time more casual than the earlier question. Then I answer again, in the only answer that everyone will say given such question, “Happiness.”
“Let me tell you one fact, majority of people in this world does not even have a clue about what happiness is. They know it, but most of the time in their life, they are so clouded with others perceived way of happiness. It’s a classic argument to discuss about what happiness is, but it is not to be discussed. It is to be applied within ourselves. And to apply is an art that everyone has to learn about.”
I then imagine about what my old man always say about happiness. He would tell me a story about two man. One is a simple man working in a rice field with the bull as his only colleague. The other is a sophisticated man with an empire of his own. He’d tell me, “ever seen a man whistling happily on the back of a cow? Ever seen a man with weary eyes sitting inside a limo? Now, tell me ever seen money was the solution to any of your “happiness” problem?
The man then continue, “When asked about happiness, most people would instantly imagine two things: the people they love and the properties they dream of. It’s basic foundation on human being. Now, tell me, when I ask about yours, which one does appear earlier between both?” He looked at me again, with the same depth, “Ah but don’t tell me, just keep it to yourself. I do need you to define it as clear as you can because that’s the only way you would know what you really are looking for in life. But, remember this. Perfect is the word of quality, and quality is about consistency. So if you want a perfect life through happiness, then you want a perfect kind of happiness. The one that lasts.”
Not long after that, he left. He left me alone with my solemn thoughts as I stare blankly at my laptop screen, realizing that I am one of those people in the world that still has no fucking clue about what I am looking for. I try to repeat every of his exact word to solve this puzzle, thinking there might be a clue in it. He asked me about how I define happiness, and he’s right when he said that there are two things that popped into my mind, the people I love and the properties I dream of. After that I define it,
What am I looking for in life: The Perfect happiness, to have my own business empire and surrounded with the people I love and admire. Families and loved ones.
The people is of course is a must for my source of happiness. And the properties? Who would not be happy to achieve a lot? I know the moral story of what my dad tried to explain to me, but in the end, the amount of what you have also plays part with how happy you are in life.
I write it down on my note, closed my screen, and left.
The next day, we sit in the same spot as we were yesterday. “You figured it out, yet? Have you defined it clearly?” I nodded, “Is it perfect? The kind of perfect I explained to you.” I think for a moment then decided it’s a yes, I then give him another nod. “Does it contain human beings and properties?” “yes.” he then turn his head into the window beside him, staring into the great river of Mahakam and the hills beside it. He then turn at me and say, “Then I don’t think you fully understand what I was trying to teach you.”
I was disappointed with his reaction, partly frustrated. How can I not be frustrated being told wrong when I don’t know why? “Do you still remember what I tell you about perfect?” “Yes, it’s about consistency, the one that lasts.” “Okay, good, now, let’s define the word ‘lasts’” he sip his coffee then do a little exhale, “lasts is about eternity. When you put lasts and consistency side by side, it contains both time-span and quantity measure. Is it possible that happiness being constant all the time in quantity and quality? Of course not. Especially when talking about happiness. There’s always limit of being happy. Try imagine the happiest day of your life, the one when you graduate? Or, when you get your first pay check? Or, when the love of your life just tell you she loves you back? At those moments you pathetically, extremely, and massively happy. Now, is it possible in life that you feel that amount of happiness every day in every moment in your life? Of course not.”
I try to wait for another word from him, but there’s none, it wasn’t an explanation of why my goal in life is wrong. “Then what is wrong with my definition of perfect life?” “Tell me then, what are you looking for in life?” “Well… I want my own business empire and I want to be surrounded with the people I love.” I answer simply, but he didn’t reply as if he was waiting for me to explain. I then continue, “I think, one of our way of happiness is to achieve what we have been dreaming of. So, to have my own business empire, which has been a dream since a little kid is a must. Then to be surrounded with the people I love, of course have to be there, how lonely it would be to live without them?”
“Okay, at least you know what you were saying. But, try this, Imagine all the moment in your life where you feel happy, not only when you feel most happy but also include when you feel ‘just happy’. Imagine on every detail of you feelings by then. Then try again redefine your purpose by connecting it to that imagination of yours. Focus entirely on why exactly those moments made you happy.” After that, he left.
I do exactly what he said. What are the things that make me happy? One of the happiest day of my life was when I got accepted to the college I want to study into. Also, when I graduated from it. Or when I win my first major project. Also, when I finished it. Or, when I get my first paycheck. That was some of my major happiness. That man said I shouldn’t focus only on those, I should more focus on more simple happiness.
Well, I was also happy when people gave me the right compliment, or be given sudden kindness, or when having the perfect moment with families and friends. I am also happy when I’ve done something exciting, like writing new script, driving for the first time, being in a new place for the very first time, going on a trip, being on top of a mountain, eating a very nice dish, finished a good book, watching an amazing movie.
Along the way, when I was imagining all the things that makes me happy, I realize I started out big and ended off small. From the biggest moment in my life, to the tiny little moments that gives me a smile. Was that it, though? The key? The answer? The difference between the simple man and the sophisticated man? Was it there all along?
That man was right, we shouldn’t focus on the major happiness only, we should focus on both. We shouldn’t let our ambition closed our eyes to the little things that matters, right? But, how do I connect this with the question ‘what am I looking for in life?’
I stay still for a moment, trying hard to find the answer and to connect those little things with the question I am trying to answer. As soon as I decided I can’t, I then left.
“I understand it now.” as said as soon as he has arrived, “what?” “What you meant when you say my goal in life is wrong.” “Okay, continue.” “Well, when I try to imagine things that make me happy in the way you want me to imagine it, I find that happiness also there in the little moments. So, when I want a perfect life trough happiness, then I understand it now, perfect happiness comes from both big and small moments in life. So, my definition of what am I looking for in life is still kind of wrong.”
He looked at me dazed and confused, looks as if he was wondering. “How do you feel about it?” “Well… confused, I try to compromise it, but still could not define it with a simple line of definition you asked me to.” “Well, you are definitely heading into the right path, just a little bit more of understanding.”
“You did well in imagining the things that make you happy. But, you need a little further than that. Try this, imagine what the first thing you do when you feel happy. Tell me one moment when you feel such as.” “Hmm… how about when I graduated.” “Okay, good. Imagine when you pass your final test, you are there, standing, just heard first time that you just passed it, what the first thing you want to do?” “Well, I wanted to shout the hell out.” “Okay, but if you shout to the outer space, what would it do?” “Nothing particular…” “Well, after that would you still be happy?” “Yes” “then you’d still be excited right? Then what you want to do?” “Tell my parents.” “Exactly! It’s not the shouting that matters, is the need to tell someone about it. That when the happiness evaporated from something inside to something real and explicit. We all need to show the people, especially your loved ones, that you just did it! And by telling it, you feel happy. Imagine when you climb your first mountain without anyone there to see it. Or, no one to tell when you finally get back down. Unlocking goals causes happiness, and happiness causes the need to communicate the happiness with someone, and communicating happiness gives the different kind of happiness. That’s how I want you to imagine the things that make you happy”
“Then what is wrong with my definition of what I’m looking for in life? I’m confused.” “Because these happiness do not last, wasn’t it? It’s wrong because, like I said we should not focus on our ‘most happy’ moments. After you tell your parents, how long until you feel normal again without euphoric happiness? You suffer so long to graduate and the excitement of graduate last so short. Being ambitious makes you forget about the process. You’d always focus on the end without realizing that living life is not about a destination, but rather a process. So, if what you are looking for in life is happiness by having your own empire of business, so you would not be happy before you get there? Or if you want to be surrounded by the people you loved, do you think they will be around forever? When they are gone, then you won’t be happy anymore?” He looked down for a moment, then he looked at me again “because trust me, people don’t be around forever. Try to think this through.” He then left, again.
I remember again the story about the simple man and the sophisticated man. The simple man doesn’t look ambitious, at all. He doesn’t look like someone who achieve things and go and tell their wife and kids about it. Or maybe he does, but a different kind of ambition? But, either way, he looked happy. Then, the sophisticated man, he surely is ambitious with all he had achieved. He has wife and kids just like the simple man whenever he achieve things. There should be many of most happy in his life. But, why is it? Is it because he got too much going on that he feels exhausted and weary and sad?
If telling people you love about your happiness makes the happiness last longer, they both got their loved ones to run into in these exact moment. That’s the similarity between both men. Then what is it? Why the simple man looks happier than the sophisticated man? Does wealth doesn’t affect us the way we think it is?
But, then I realized. That man was once again, right. If we answer what we are looking for in life with a destination, can we be happy even if we have not living our dream? And, if we do achieve our dreams, then what? Would we be happy forever? So, if I dream simply, how easy would it be to be happy? I decided then, what I am looking for in life should not be perfect happiness through properties and people. It should be the process along the way. So, then I try to re-write the answer. Then, how would we know what we are looking for in the process? Then I find it. I smile as if I figure out the heart of life.
I write it down:
What I am looking for in life: The Perfect Chase of My Dream and The Perfect Relationships.
He smiled when he finished writing my answer in a small paper that I put on his side of the table before he arrived. “I want that. You are right, that life was never a destination but a journey. Shall I look for properties and people, how long would I search? All my life I would be miserable if I am nowhere near my dream or the people I loved. But, I still am an ambitious man and I don’t want to erase that part of me. I want to chase my dream passionately and enjoy every bit of the process. I want to breakdown my dream into tiny little goals each of the way, how exciting it will every time I unlock them one by one? And I want a perfect relationship with everyone I met. That with their presence or not the relationship will always still exist. I want to be the perfect son of my parents, a husband and a father, brother for my siblings, relatives for my families, friends, colleague, boss, and business partners, whatever it is relationship I have with human beings I want them to know that they matter to me in their very own way. I want them to know even after we seperate for many years, I’d still look at them the same way I always did. And, I am going to enjoy every bit of the way trying to be perfect for people around me even if I know for the rest of my life I would not. And I am damn sure would not. I want to live a passionate and ambitious life. Every time I fail, I’ll want to try again, and again. Because I know that failure is not going backwards as I would grow into something bigger beneath the failure. I want to learn new skills, try new things, be in new places, and every bit of the way I will always remember that life is never about looking for a destination. It’s a road trip to nowhere that the only matters is the trip I am having. It’s a road trip where we could only go forward. In the end, I want to live for today.” After I finished, he didn’t say anything. We looked at each other, all the same but the haul.
I then ask, “What does it look like out there? In the future.” “Well, now that you are going to choose that life, then I think we will be fine.” After that he then disappeared, for if any truth in anything we’ve talked about last few days, I’d thank him later when I am him in the future.