Nineteen Eighty Chicken — Part 2
Dear Backer,
Welcome to draft 18!
Before continuing our story, I must use this space to address the YouTube video. I know it looks bad, but please, I didn’t know somebody planted a camera and filmed me and my wife in the privacy of our home. And well, sometimes, when we think nobody is watching, we say things that are not proper. But that doesn’t make them true. Ideas are like hand-made suits in that they both require tailoring sessions before being ready to be donned in public. So if I said that I hate Americans, while presuming I’m alone with my wife, in my house, well, it doesn’t mean I have the capacity to foster intense anger for 400 million people. It was a burst of negative energy, that’s all.
I could’ve said I hated anything, like dolphins, children, or Robert De Niro for all the terrible movies he’s made in the past twenty years. But that doesn’t mean I’d bash his head in with a pipe wrench if I knew he was hamming it up AGAIN in another gangster comedy alongside that hack, Ben Stiller. Fuck them. And fuck Al Pacino, too, and all his wigs. Why do actors make so much money for standing in front of a camera to say things somebody else wrote while being told how to say them? Only in America do we value things that do not matter. Whatever. The point is, I love America. Really. I’m a lover of all things America.
Not all things, but you know what I mean. I don’t love American rape, for example. But then again, who loves rape besides rapists? America is great when it comes to rape, by the way. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of women get raped every day in the United States, but in Muslim countries, if a woman gets raped and wants the perpetrator to be found guilty, she has to prove it by presenting three witnesses; otherwise, she gets charged with adultery (because public assault in broad daylight is the rapist’s modus operandi?) The world we live in, right? Here’s a question for you: Should we respect un-American ways of life even if many of them hamper people’s right to privacy, safety, freedom, and so on?
I hope it’s clear that I don’t hate Americans. How could I? I just disagree with a few things, and disagreeing is ultra-American. Try disagreeing in China. In Russia they poison you until your face blisters up and explodes. In Mexico you get buried alive in the desert of your choosing. Also consider that I wasn’t even born in America and I made an effort to learn the language, move here, and marry an American, so…
But let’s focus on what’s important: I cannot believe that 83% of you are angry at me instead of at the person who invaded my home, planted six cameras around the house, and filmed me and my wife doing private things. And why post the part where I’m scratching my testicles? What, you’ve never used an old hairbrush? Try it first and then judge me. Just make sure the bristles are soft. And very important, label it. Mine says, “Ball Brush”, and I keep it in a different drawer — I’ve learned this the hard way. Now there’s a meme of my testicles making the rounds throughout our beautiful planet, as if there’s not enough clutter floating around. I hope you are happy.
Know this: The police knows it was one of you, and when they catch you and your jail photo gets out, we’ll see who’s meme is the funniest.
Also, the pills you see my wife taking on the video have been prescribed by a doctor and they are not for AIDS, as some of you have suggested in the comments. They’re also not for genital warts, halitosis, or syphilis, so quit Googling “embarrassing diseases.” You want to know what they’re for? My wife says they’re for it’s none of your business.
Don’t take it out on me. I told her about the hundreds of requests and the bets, and she prohibited me from disclosing the disease’s name — and now she’s angry at me. My advice to you: stop gambling on it.
I’m sorry I didn’t get to address the story, but you guys… look, you know I’m grateful for your patronage, but I’m here to write one of the most memorable stories of the century, and as much as I understand your eagerness to be part of the process, perhaps it’s best if you leave the writing to me while I leave the reading to you.
With nothing more to discuss, here’s Draft 18 of “A Farewell to Chicken, Chicken.”
I hope you like it…
[end of part 2]
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