I always thought i deserved what was happening to me.
Like no one is to blame for the punishment you get except yourself.
Your responsible for yourself dont drag any one else down with you.
I always thought i must have done something to deserve this.
Molestation began before i have memories and didn't end until i blocked it all out. After I announced to my family what was happening at the age of 4 and they dismissed it.
My mother was abusive. She took her hatred for herself out on me. It shows in the scars on my wrists, because i took my hatred for her out on myself too. She was a victim of her own vice and could not see through the veil covering her eyes, telling her i was the enemy. I thank God everyday for the three years I lived with my grand parents and didn’t see her but once at Christmas.
I thank god every day.
I was happy those three years from 5 to 8 but she came back with a blistering vengeance and even though i could have spoke up my child's mind said no you cant. “This is your mother and you can not betray her.” At 8 years old i was worried about being a snitch. while being beat down and this came with me into my adult hood.
At 15 me and my step brother, well my step brother took my grandmas car to the next town over to pick something up. When he returned the car had been bottomed out. My mom knew i had been home all night, so she asked me who did it. I wouldn’t tell her so she hit me in the face with arthritis swollen fists and a meth enraged mind and began screaming, hitting my in the temples until i fell to the ground.
(but mom you always taught me to keep my mouth shut)
She kicked me in the stomach until i thought i might vomit. Repeating herself over and over again.
“as soon as you tell me what has happened i will stop”
Maybe i should have broke. Maybe i should have just told her. But it was ingrained in me not to. After all i had been keeping my mouth shut for her my whole life. Telling lies about this and that to cover for her. Its no wonder i ended up a junkie, who was loyal to other junkies.