MY EXPERIENCE WITH CHEATING AND HOW IT HAS IMPACTED MY LIFE.
My ex cheated on me. For a long time, I was in denial about the whole thing and couldn’t bring myself to admit it. The thought of it filled me with shame, disgust and anger. Even though it has been nine months since the incident, sometimes I still get angry all over again.
I always thought that cheating wasn’t a deal breaker for me until it became my reality. The revelation hadn’t been a direct confession of guilt. They had let it slip during a game of truth or dare at a social event. My face burned with embarrassment and shame when I realised the meaning behind the answer they had given. This is not the kind of story I like to tell, and for a long time, I have avoided the word ‘cheating’ because it still triggers me.
My ex and I identified as polyamorous, or so she said. Our relationship was meant to be open, with clear communication about our attractions and mutual consent. It turned out that I got the shorter end of the stick.
Just like every other relationship, ours wasn’t perfect. In the the final year, I felt emotionally drained and communicated this to my partner. I was in one of the worst places I had ever been. Every day was a struggle to keep my head above water. I worked a job I hated, that was both mentally and physically draining because my boss was a complete asshole. Dire finances from debts I had incurred from helping my sister in a violent marriage and the burden of endometriosis. It felt like I had no one to talk to because even my partner got tired of my complaints. My mental health deteriorated, leaving me utterly depleted. Most nights, I would go to bed hoping not to wake up.
Following the revelation of the cheating, I initially believed I was okay. However, one morning, reality hit me like a paddle. In the subsequent months, I would stumble on other things my ex had kept from me. It broke me. As someone who processes significant news slowly, I drifted through the weeks in a daze. It felt like I had been in a relationship with a stranger. It wasn’t the cheating that hurt the most; it was the lingering sense of betrayal. The past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster — a ride I wouldn’t wish on anyone I care about.
My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I have always been an awkward and clumsy child. I was the one child who got picked last to join a team or group in school. This made me very quiet and timid. I was too quiet for the IT kids, and the non-IT kids thought I was uptight. There was no winning. It took me several years to build my self-esteem, only for it to come crashing down in the twinkling of an eye. Now, months later, I have started the slow, laborious journey all over again. It is exhausting and draining.
I am always paranoid. I fear getting into another relationship because I might get cheated on or lied to. I constantly search for underlying meanings in people’s tones, texts, or body language. I know this is not a healthy way to live, but how can I stop living this way when it has been my experience?
I struggle with trust. When someone does something kind for me, I fear it’s a setup for future hurt. I do not believe people when they tell me they like me. A few months ago, I met someone, and I thought they were great. Every time I looked at them, I was scared they would hurt me, and all I saw was pain waiting for me. My trauma does not allow me to see the good in people. It feels like my brain has been rewired and all the components mismatched. Now, 80 per cent of my day is consumed by anxiety, tremors, heart palpitations, and low self-esteem.
I do not feel good enough or worthy of love. I self-sabotage a lot, and I feel like a fraud. Sometimes, I talk myself out of doing things I stand a chance at because I fear I am not good enough. I worry that people can see the ugliness inside me when they look at me. When someone tells me they like me, I wonder what they see in me. My childhood was filled with hurtful words. Adults always told me I was stupid, ugly and would amount to no good.
I do not know if the pain will get easier to live with, but I hope it does. These days, I listen to podcasts on healing. I also try to avoid intrusive or negative thoughts. Somedays, it works. On other days, it feels like talking to a brick wall. Now, I have more empathy for people who have been in similar situations. Last week, I spoke with a friend who confided in me that her boyfriend had cheated and dumped her for the person he cheated on her with. My ex is also dating the person they cheated on me with. It felt like I was a placeholder, an experiment to be discarded when completed.
I hope the next love I get to experience will not put me through this nightmare again. I hope I end up with someone who dares to be honest, even when it hurts. I hope they do not try to protect me by making me live a lie. I hope they choose to leave instead of fucking me over.
If you’ve outgrown your relationship, communicate it. If you’ve fallen out of love, be honest. Being cheated on feels like you went to sleep in the clouds only to wake up in the dirt. Cheating is a cruel betrayal, leaving scars that may never truly heal. It’s heartless and can break even the strongest souls.
