Let Me Tell You What Is Sacred.
A reflection on the pain of lost loves
I was raised in a house that considered lots of things to be sacred-
The father. The mother. The sibling. Family. Knowledge. Success. Manners. Love. Reputation. Social image.
You know what I ended up with?
A mentality of sacred-ism, an ideology that geared my attention to look for shiny things to fix my gaze upon in my relationships with the outer world.
But here is the hook- anything sacred is placed on a pedestal, handled with a special care and would provoke prejudice if threatened. What is sacred is critical because it becomes tied with one’s perception of his/her own existence.
Now here is my question to you
WHAT IN LIFE DO YOU CONSIDER SACRED?
And… Did you decide that yourself or was the belief fed into your system?
Are you better off without this sacredness in some areas of your life?
If LOVE is sacred and MARRIAGE is sacred and FAMILY is sacred then whoever is identified as the opposite/other/outsider becomes, you guessed it, a potential cause of conflict, that is to describe the least levels of hostility- not to mention the amount of pain associated with the loss of the sacred one or the disapproval of his/her behavior.
While respect and caution are mandatory in relationships, a blind idolization becomes a form self-identification with the object of attention.
To me, this idea of a relationship being sacred meant that with the departure of each lover from my life, and I had plenty, a piece of me faded away, leaving behind a human fragment that is trying to make sense of what it has become.
The ever-deforming image of what I have once considered a source of joy weighed me down in the murky seas of lost, sacred loves…
I chose to surrender to this exhaustion- why does it hurt so damn much like this? Does someone else feel that same way I do?
Gradually, my surrender transformed into bold arrogance, a state of a bitter revolt against any man that shows interest. I couldn’t identify it before for it only whispered under the happy jingles that hit my head for the mere arrival of a distraction in the form of a lover. The other side of excitement only becomes obvious at the first interpretation that this new comer isn’t as involved as I was- and these interpretations, accurate or not, didn’t take long to rise.
The following revelation I had came after so many trial-and-error attempts that put my intelligence to shame.
But when the cycle repeated and the men kept coming and going a question surfaced in my mind-
What if NOTHING in the world is sacred anymore?
But what about ME? This brilliant mind and body that are my vehicle in this life
I have forsaken this ME for so long, chasing outwards for a man to adore, to follow, to be completed with. It became my priority and who I was UNTIL that very day I realized I was the ONLY worshipper in all of my sacred relationships.
Something was wrong and I had to make a change in a way that doesn’t change who I am as a loving, caring person.
And upon that I decided
- only enter relationships that my gut feeling is completely ok with
- engage in rhythms of conversations (even the most mundane ones) and modes of being that I instinctively and effortlessly understand
- give birth to plans that are massive enough to bring out the vibrant child in me every single day
- cut off any relationships and attachments that didn’t suit the image I have of myself
- forgive all my previous exes for it was my fault, and only mine, to have put them before me once upon a time
This became Hala’s love Manifesto.
This took a while to sink in for the rustic tools of self-nurture had to be recharged and heated after years of paralysis. We live in a time of endless psychomental fluctuations, so to gear my idolization inwards gave me a temporary sense of security and self-satisfaction. The next step was hold on to my manifesto and repeat it, in voice and practice, until it becomes a truth.
The house of worship might as well start within my own walls of flesh and bones and no religion can ever object to that.
So whenever I enter a relationship or leave it, I am whole.
This, my friend, is what’s sacred.
The I I have.
And by the same token, the YOU you have.
Not simply love, a lover or even a child- those could wait and defintely be chosen and nurtured better when the YOU is what’s sacred.