Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms/Trying not to just pull the plug

So, of course dealing with misery (c-ptsd) for basically half of my lifetime, you kind of need to cope right ? Somehow…

Throughout my life, I’ve done things I’m not proud of..I’ve done some bad things.

Little did I know they were all actually basically learned unhealthy coping mechanisms and patterns I would do to survive when I was little. I’ve done things in hopes of helping all the emotional pain, soothe, and comfort myself which is called…self medicating.

I’m addicted to online shopping and ordering makeup online. I use makeup as a way to cope with the hell inside my brain and my body. I figure, at least I can attempt to look okay on the outside and mask all of the ugliness on the inside.

The truth is, having to mask or suppress your true emotions is so exhausting and unfair. It’s too much of a conscious mental chore. It’s just not worth it in the long run because eventually, those true emotions are going to re-surface and wreck havoc in every area of your life..just wait.

Healing.

Everyone deserves to heal and can heal if they put in the dedication daily and have the mindset that they can fully heal, with time, self love, self compassion, and patience.

But, healing is a lot more complicated that a lot of people even realize..it is constant work daily. It’s not like you can just go to the doctor, get diagnosed, get treated, and you’re better. Emotional healing is so much different and more challenging because it’s obviously invisible. When you suffer with any form of mental illness, your friends and family don’t exactly react the same as if you’ve been diagnosed with a physical illness. Instead of giving you all the love and support you need, you get shamed and invalidated. You don’t receive any cards or flowers. Because it’s honestly not recognized for as shitty as it really is.

The stigma needs to stop. Because of your healthy mental health state, you’re able to hold down a job, regulate your emotions, have healthy relationships, good quality of life, happiness, employment, education, and stability. When you’re suffering mentally, all of those things get taken away from you. The impact it’s had on me and my life personally, has been truly devastating. Just devastating. I don’t feel like I’m capable of anything anymore. I don’t feel confident applying for jobs. I don’t feel like I matter or I’m valued. I just feel so forgotten and alone in this daily mental torment.

It’s even more detrimental to my poor mental state to be living with people who just cannot comprehend the dysfunction of my actual brain. Even I can’t understand. I can’t make sense of it because it doesn’t make sense to be honest. The most straightforward way I know how to put what I’m going through is it is old patterns of destruction behavior which affects your mood which then affects how you feel. I think? Does that make any sense? Probably not. 😣

I just know it’s a triangle and they’re all connected. Mood, behavior, and something else?

Since my illness started in adolescence, I didn’t know any other way to cope because children don’t have the mental capacity to deal with their own emotional pain/trauma…I mean could you imagine being little and trying to put into words unrecognizable and frightening feelings and behavior such as rage. I’m saying this literally just happened to me and I had no control or ways to cope so what happens then is your survival instinct starts to kick in and that is your nervous system’s fight, flight, freeze, and please response. It starts happening by activating your fear response and not being able to re-regulate or go back to a calm, normal, and safe state of mind. You’re always in alert expecting a threat because that’s the environment I grew up in being around my parents. Which is not only very severe and intense anxiety and panic attacks but hyperarousal.

Hyperarousal is a pure miserable and shitty state to be in because you can never just relax. You don’t sleep the same or have a healthy sleep schedule. It always makes you feel on edge and so easily triggered by outside noises that possibly remind you of the abuse or toxic situation you’d been in. It’s an absolutely horrifying state of mind to be trapped in. Apparently there’s treatment for this but seeing as how I feel like I’ve tried everything possible to heal, just doesn’t sound very promising. 😔

I haven’t exactly been able to afford actual trauma based therapy like eye sensitization therapy or other trauma focused techniques. I have however been educating myself as much as possible to try my best to cope and manage it all. It’s very helpful to finally be able to put an actual name and diagnosis to what I’ve been dealing with in the dark for years and have been misdiagnosed as bipolar/bpd tendencies/adhd/depression/anxiety. I finally put everything together and came across c-ptsd from childhood and all the symptoms and behaviors make such perfect sense. Everything was just like a light bulb came on for the first time ever and I was like oh, so I’m not actually imagining all of these unbearable symptoms.

Anyway, this blog went a little off track because I’m a little scattered today and am having a very unstable type of day. It’s just been terrible. I’ll probably add to this later on.

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Working on my healing through childhood trauma/C-PTSD, Mental Health Advocate, beauty lover & “wanna -be-influencer” 💝 Just looking for my tribe & purpose 🖖🏼

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Haley M. Bounds

Working on my healing through childhood trauma/C-PTSD, Mental Health Advocate, beauty lover & “wanna -be-influencer” 💝 Just looking for my tribe & purpose 🖖🏼