It's okay not to be okay.

I tend to make a lot of drafts. I’ve got quite a collection right now. When I get inspired by a song, movie, food, a random encounter from my day, I just write. Today I was inspired by a question. “Are you doing what you always dreamed of doing?”

Loaded question, loaded response.

My response, “I’m getting there… I think…”

I’m twenty-two, I’m a salon owner & marketing coordinator. I travel for weddings, I help build new start up businesses & in my spare time, I volunteer with youth at my church.

Am I happy? I mean, sure. A little. I don’t know. I’ve hit a point of numbness in my life. When it briefly ceases, I’ll feel a moment of one of two extremes. Overwhelming joy or complete utter depression.

I feel like this is where I’m suppose to be. But I also know that this isn’t it. That this is just mere breaking ground for something much bigger. That a foundation is being laid out. And sometimes, when I let my mind think about it too long, I get scared…then excited? I know this isn’t it, and honestly, I’m having a hard time comprehending that. Probably because I’m a very visual person, and I can’t see any pattern, format, or temple to fully grasp what it is that’s happening. This is already a lot to process and I feel like I’m playing a hybrid game of “Red light, Green light” & “Hot and Cold” in the dark.

Brain vomit. Apologies.

Every & any great movement, idea, or breakthrough has a beginning. It tends to happen to the most unqualified people, in very highly unlikely places, under extremely unfavorable circumstances. I feel so unqualified, but for some reason… I have this insane amount of courage & boldness to “Go for it”. My setting is the basic normal average landscape, but at the same time I feel like I’m dwelling in the land of the milk & honey. My life right now is supremely lonely, uncomfortable, & I can’t see a way out…. And yet, I feel like I’m secure.. safe… even though I don’t see what’s in front of me. I’m in the most prime condition to be used for something bigger than anything I could come up with.

Hope. I have this Hope.

It’s in these conditions where you will be able to be used. Where you will be able to be moved, be poured into, & pour out. It’s not a bad position to be in. To be in, lack of a better word, “Moody”. Where you won’t feel “Okay”. Your senses are heightened. You think deeper, examine longer, ask harder questions, and pull even harder triggers. You’re actually a lot stronger than your fellow man because you’re allowing yourself to undergo this search. But at the same time, becoming stronger means you go through strength training. Being stretched & contorted. Don’t be intimidated by the pain & the sacrifice of comfort when exploring your soul.

Embrace the “Moody”. Welcome the pain so there can be healing. Encourage the Unknown, because it will be revealed soon. Explore the depths of Him, your soul’s creator. For, who knows the invention better, than the inventor Himself?

-H.E.R.