The Perfectionist’s Heart
Written by: Haley Walls
So like,
I suffer from perfectionism
With most days stuck on repeat
Every single routine is stolen like plagiarism
No one thing changing, it’s just, my soul remembers the rhythm.
Hear me out,
It wasn’t that I felt I was better
Or even that you weren’t in comparison,
It’s just that if I don’t check off every box that holds that “end” feeling.
Then that “end” feeling sinks its claws into my chest and makes a home cradled right there with all the rest.
But wait,
As “the end” reaps havoc over my heart,
The flashbacks begin and I’m just that 10-year-old girl again.
As she plays her haunting melody across my brain,
The monster smells his prey.
You see I just can’t stop the circus here within.
They all come flooding back like the roaring seas,
Every last drop claiming its victory.
I can still taste the monster on my skin sometimes and it makes my stomach cave.
What box did I not check, to send these hidden secrets the hell away?
Why must he still hold power over me
The rage he left within begins to escape
Rolling storm clouds ready to wash it all away,
Hovering overcast until the rage takes her aim.
You see I’m a perfectionist
I check all the boxes in my mind to stay a toe to the line, to counter every journey the day might embark,
I check boxes so I don’t fall apart
The world has no time for broken souls
So I check boxes to fit the ever-rotating mold.
My brain is hardwired to perfect. To keep the storm within.
With each waking morning checking the boxes off begins.
