I read a study that said 85% of what we fear will never happen. We can find self-generated fear in its acronym, False Evidence Appearing Real. It appears real and feels real, but the reality is it’s not factual. If this is true, then why do we give our fears so much validity?

My father is a pastor and occasionally he would do couples counseling with members of the congregation and community. One time I eavesdropped, and overheard him talk about a couple in the community I admired. The man was having an affair when someone younger than myself. I was shocked and thought, even Christian men can’t be trusted. Fast forward to my dating life, and my biggest fear was that I would get cheated on. If my boyfriend was out late and didn’t call, it was because he was cheating. If he went to a bachelor party, he was going to run away with a stripper. If we got in a big fight, he was going to leave me for someone more stable or less dramatic. To this day I have never been cheated on, but what was someone else’s real life experience became my fear. Unconsciously I created these false fears as a natural response to protect myself from getting hurt. The truth is, I was hurting myself anyways through anxiety, resentments, distrust, and unhealthy coping mechanism’s.

Today I still have false fears, but I’m learning how to give them less power. I try to visualize the fear, respond to it, and help it pass. I notice if I sit still long enough, breathe, pray, and bring my mind to the present the fear subsides. A visual I practice with my fears is called the stream. I close my eyes and picture a stream. I notice the current, the body of water, the sound the stream makes, and my surroundings. Up ahead in the water I notice a stick slow floating downstream. The stick represents my fear. I follow the stick with my eyes as it continues moving in the water. Up ahead is a giant log, and the stick is headed straight towards the log. As the stick moves through the water it gets stuck against the log. Now I have 2 choices: 1. I can let the stick stay where it is and get pounded against the log and dunked under water or 2. I can put my hand in the water and move the stick away from the log and allow it to keep floating downstream.

I would love to tell you that 99% of the time I move the stick, but that isn’t true. Sometimes I want to self inflict pain and get pounded by my own fears because trust feels very vulnerable. One of my favorite quotes about love and vulnerability is by C.S. Lewis. I have replaced the word love with trust. “To trust at all is to be vulnerable. Trust anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To trust is to be vulnerable.”

Today I want to practicing being more vulnerable and less fearful.