Pregnancy and Prepartum

I avoided social media for a long time, because I wasn’t in a healthy mind frame. When other people showed me their wall or page or what people were doing or wearing I got caught up in the comparing syndrome. I would then go to this insecure place, and act out on my eating disorder as a way to cope.

I didn’t join any social network until I was in a healthy place mentally and physically.

Now being pregnant, I notice myself going to that dark place again. I try on my “normal” clothes, and feel uncomfortable and fat. I see other women only gaining pregnancy weight in their stomach, while I feel out of control where my baby weight gets distributed. Physically I haven’t been sick, but emotionally I feel bipolar. Women tell me, “you are glowing” or “you look amazing” and my inner critic tells me, their lying, that’s what you should tell every pregnant woman.

I get caught up in the comparing game again wishing I could handle pregnancy with grace and ease like other women or wear “it” better. For so long I was able to control my food, workouts, emotional wellness to avoid slipping and weight gain, and now the very body I’m in doesn’t feel like my own.

I used to hear women talk about postpartum depression, but rarely prepartum. Even writing this, auto correct doesn’t register the word and wants to change it. I’ve asked my clinicians if there is some sort of support group and the response is, “not that I’m aware of.”

I haven’t taken many photos of me being pregnant because I’m super judgmental. My sister told me one of her regrets was not documenting her pregnancy and I thought, I’m traveling all over the world, I should have some reminder to share with my son one day. To remind him and me that just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I have to stay in the house, be in a protective bubble for 9 months, and prohibit me from living life; my life and his.

For all the negatives I have about pregnancy one of the positives is realizing how strong my body really is. It took me being pregnant to realize what my body is fully capable of, and how weak and deceiving the mind can be.

I’m not going to be one of those women who says they love being pregnant, because I don’t. I guess the first lesson of being a parent is, selflessness; giving of yourself for another human being. Today I’m trying not loose myself in the process and integrating my darkness into light.