Gift of the pain

A friend of mine recently told me:

- You don’t change, you evolve. Every new stage has pieces of the older ones.

Struggling with feelings, traumas, and vulnerability is an inevitable part of our lives.

I didn't have my father growing up. To be more accurate, I didn’t have him around as much as I needed. Growing up fatherless is challenging. You learn things the hard way. I had to go through so much learning on my own. Nobody to look up to.

It made me resentful for a part of my life. The pain that we go through leaves its prints in our souls. I have to admit, that I learned so many things from my father too. He’s a brilliant man when it comes to so many things.

My parents got divorced when I was a toddler. As a kid, you can’t logic this stuff out and you see what’s missing not why it’s missing. Now as an adult, I can analyze and understand the harsh truth behind getting divorced. People can’t live together and break up. You don’t think, you feel as a kid.

Finally, yesterday I had a call with my father. He’s been asking me to get in touch with him. I know he is proud of me and he loves me in his own way.

I was running away though. Going back to pain is painful. I felt resentful and bitter. I didn’t want to hurt him with my words.

I put my pieces together and told him what I felt. I wanted him to know that I don’t overlook what he has done for me and I am truly grateful for what he has done so far.

We evolve. We are living our lives for the very first time. I have all the experience I earned in this life. I evolve. I try to get better. I know that he’s trying too. At least, it’s a better way of seeing it.

As I evolved, I understood an important lesson; pain doesn’t go away. You won’t forget the pieces that once were hurt. You flourish where you are broken. They say what’s broken can’t be a whole.

What I say is, a whole of what? You broke into pieces and you are trying to be the whole you were before. I’ll try to be a newly shaped whole with the pieces I got.

- What’s the gift of the pain?

Asked my already-mentioned friend. What’s the gift of the pain? I ask myself every day. Why do we even expect a gift from the pain?

I put it this way, pain might not go away, you just learn how to embrace the pain and extract the gift that it brings you.

My gift is who I am. An independent, brave, and unique person with all the vulnerability and insecurities I carry. I still have the pain with me, it helps me see the pain of others, and empathize with them.

We don’t change, we evolve.