They don’t carry girdles in my size

Getting dressed for a party shouldn’t be this hard!

I’ve been avoiding parties. I even declined going to a wedding this year. Why? Because I’m a little shocked at how I look.

Now, let me point out: I’m not a big diet fan (I’ll probably be writing about that pretty extensively in the future so come back for future venting!) and I’m not scared of larger bodies. In fact, as a 5'10" woman, I’d be super happy at a size that might technically still be plus-sized according to clothing manufacturers. I don’t care if other women want to have 15% body fat or are happy with voluptuousness. Me? I’ve exceeded my personal comfort threshold for size and body shape.

Nothing makes it more plain that you are too big by most standards than walking into a department store, looking at the shapewear and realising they don’t make your size. So, what’s a woman to do? She buys one size down, that’s what!

This was not necessarily the smartest thing to do. At home, getting ready for a large family holiday party, my husband sat on the bed while I struggled with my Spanx-like stretchy underwear that cover me from thighs to bra. In fact, the shapewear is so tall that there are hooks that loop onto my bra to keep the stretchy fabric from rolling down every time I change position.

I struggle with the spandex, tugging it up, stretching it to it’s maximum. I swear. A lot! I shift flesh and shimmy myself until, finally, I am sheathed in a flesh-coloured covering of space-age fabric. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I take a break and hang my head. To noone in particular I say, “I really hate this.” My husband — my sweet, patient, loving husband — says, “You’re beautiful, babe, but if you want to change I will help.”

I do want to change. I realise I haven’t been eating many vegetables for a while now. In fact, I haven’t have root veggies all winter long. I don’t make soups much anymore. I’ve gotten lazy and buy far too many meals out instead of making them myself. I haven’t even been to the Farmer’s Market in six months. The kitchen table has so much stuff on it that it’s impossible to eat a meal on it and eating in the livingroom has become the norm. These things have to change.

My weight today is technically about 5lbs lower than it was this time last year. It should easily be about 10 times that much. That has to change. This time next year I don’t want to post about regret, about oppourtunities squandered, about stagnation and poor health.

That’s why I’m participating in the Quantified Diet study/program: I want to change.

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