The Duel
(Apologies to Eugene Field)

The Bernie-Bro-Dog and the Clintonite-Cat
Side by side on the table sat;
‘T was half-past twelve, and (what do you think!)
Nor one nor t’ other had slept a wink!
 The old Dutch clock and the China plate
 Appeared to know as sure as fate
There was going to be a terrible spat.
 (I wasn’t there; I simply state
 What was told to me by the China plate!)

The Bernie-Bro-Dog tweeted “Bow-wow-wow!”
And the Clintonite-Cat replied “Mee-ow!”
Timelines were littered, an hour or so,
With bits of “who’s qualified?” and “status quo!”,
 While the old Dutch clock in the chimney-place
 Up with its hands before its face,
For it always dreaded a liberal row!
 (Now mind: I’m only telling you
 What the old Dutch clock declares is true!)

The China plate looked very blue,
And wailed, “Oh, dear! what shall we do!”
But the Bernie-Bro-Dog and the Clintonite-Cat
Wallowed this way and tumbled that,
 Employing every tooth and claw
 In the awfullest way you ever saw — 
And, oh! how the tattered mantle of progressivism flew!
 (Don’t fancy I exaggerate — 
 I got my news from the China plate!)

Next morning, where the two had sat
They found no trace of dog or cat;
And some folks think unto this day
That Republicans stole that election away!
 But the truth about the cat and pup
 Is this: they ate each other up!
Now what do you really think of that!
 (The old Dutch clock it told me so,
 And that is how I came to know.)

The original poem, “The Duel,” by Eugene Field, is in the public domain.

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