Hugs and handshakes as a Muslim woman—where I draw the line.
For the third time this week, I’ve had to politely and awkwardly refuse a handshake from a man.
As a Muslim woman, part of practicing my faith means that I wear a hijab, and don’t shake hands with, or hug anyone of the opposite sex. Yes, I know it might sound alien to some — especially as some Muslim women are okay with hugs and handshakes — but it’s something many Muslim women quietly abide by, pretending to rummage in their bags, faking a sneeze or making their hands and bodies otherwise preoccupied to avoid saying no and having to bear the uncomfortable reality of not meeting an acquaintance or colleague’s expectation of politeness and courtesy. So, educating oneself about this might prove very useful in saving men in the workplace, at University, and in other social situations when interacting with Muslim women, or any women, potentially embarrassing and awkward situations for both parties.
Let’s tackle handshakes first, because this is more straightforward. I know handshakes are considered polite and professional, but when approaching a Muslim woman (whether she wears the hijab, or not) — it’s respectful to wait for her to offer her hand and give her the opportunity to show you if she doesn’t mind shaking hands, or — and this is something Justin Trudeau has gone viral for doing, winning the hearts of even more women — you can place your hand on your chest as a gesture of polite greeting.
If you do hold out your hand and a woman politely refuses and apologises (as I often do), don’t make a big deal out of it. Awkward laughter is, of course, warranted, and a joke in good taste can break the tension — we understand that it can be unexpected — but if you’re aware, then at least it’s less awkward. Place a hand on your chest, or just wave. This doesn’t just go for Muslim women, however. Touch is not for everyone. Perhaps a germophobic person, or someone simply uncomfortable with that kind of contact may react in the same manner. The key is to brush it off and not take it personally — they don’t mean to reject you, and this doesn’t mean they dislike you — they feel awkward too.
When it comes to hugs, this is a little more intrusive than a handshake, and so one must be a little more careful about personal space. Of course, we all subconsciously look for nonverbal cues — openness, agreeability, how comfortable the person is talking to you. However, with hugs, — and this doesn’t just apply to Muslim women, as I realised recently — it’s important to ask for permission. This doesn’t have to be verbal, but for the sake of clarity and avoiding confusion, it’s best to ask ‘are you a hugger?’ I’m a huge fan of hugs. I love them, and give and receive them freely, but I won’t hug a male co-worker or acquaintance, so this can be confusing for men who I study and work with. Ask anyway. It can’t hurt.
When moving in to hug a friend recently, I felt her wince and go rigid, awkwardly patting me as we said goodbye. I pulled back, realising she was intensely uncomfortable, and I hadn’t given her the choice to consent to me placing myself in her personal space in an intimate and what she might have felt was an intrusive manner. I put her in a position where she physically couldn’t prevent me from hugging her unless she pushed me away, which she didn’t want to do: she felt helpless; and I could have prevented that by simply asking instead of assuming she would be okay with it.
Muslim women aren’t the only people we should make sure to ask before greeting in the form of a handshake or hug. Whether they are co-workers, acquaintances or friends, it’s important to ask permission before touching someone. Respect their space, and that kind of consciousness will make situations less likely to be awkward, difficult or potentially violating and uncomfortable for people who may not have the courage, ability or opportunity to politely decline what we all know is a well meaning gesture. Huggers, your hearts are in the right place. Just make sure your hands and bodies are, too.
