Life Hacks: Crying In Public

Oh, you millennials and your life hacks! Between your freelance clients refusing to pay, the possibility of getting doxxed for your thinkpiece, and the Trader Joe’s parking lot we bet you’re crying a lot! That’s why we made this list of life hacks for crying in public! We care about you young people!*

This will never happen again!
  1. Sunglasses: Have a family outing? Parents asking why you don’t own a house yet? Grandma wondering why you won’t respond to forwarded emails about Obama’s lizard ancestry? Then you need sunglasses! Put those babies on and no one will know your crying pain! Also great for instagram!
  2. Swallowing a bunch of air: In mountains of debt from your theater degree? Barely making rent? Doing Improv? Swallow a bunch of air! It holds the tears back! Don’t know why? Maybe you should’ve gotten a biology degree instead! (Kidding! Those people are in debt too.)
  3. Persistent, rhythmic toilet flushes: Becca’s Game Of Thrones viewing party depressing you? Is literally every guest married? Are their dog “children” cuter than your dog “children?” Did you bring an IPA? Excuse yourself to the bathroom! No one will hear your sobs over the constant toilet flushes! They’ll just think you have diarrhea.
  4. Tampons under your eyes: Have you been ghosted by captain foodbeard? Solicited by weird couples on Bumble? Do none of the men in your life own fitted sheets? Glue tampons under your eyes! They’ll absorb the tears. Pass it off as a Club Kid look! You kids sure love ’90s throwbacks!

That’s all for now! More hacks sure to come because life goes on for some reason.

*No you can’t have a living wage.