The Psychology of “Never Mind”
If I had a penny for all the times people have told me “Never mind” Jeff Bezos would finally have some competition in the richest person alive contest. As someone who’s deaf, I’m no stranger to the lasting effects of being, once again, dismissed just because I didn’t hear the last set of words that came out of a person’s mouth. It’s a reminder that I’m not hearing enough. I’m not good enough. It’s a subconscious hurt that never quite heals despite how long it’s been since I last heard it.
Yet it’s interesting because the word never mind doesn’t have a single victim profile. Not only does it cover deaf people, it also covers hearing people and language learners. The dismissal comes from our parents, siblings, relatives, friends, significant others, teammates, coworkers, and bosses. No one is exempt from this list — from either side. I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t dismissed anyone in this way before, it’s likely that I’ve done it once or twice. I’ve also witnessed the events happen between deaf people, one of them not nearly as fluent in sign language as the other.
When it comes to saying “Never mind” it’s hardly ever about the person receiving those words. It doesn’t change the after affects nor does it change that any reasons listed before may have influenced the speaker to retract their words immediately. They could’ve also been in a rush, and/or there’s a lot happening in the moment. Maybe the question wasn’t too important.
Even so, when someone says “What?” it’s a sure sign that they didn’t hear them. On their end, they may not have heard because the place is noisy, they’re focused on a separate task, there was no cue for this sudden burst of communication. Perhaps the batteries of their cochlear implant/hearing aid(s) died. It’s entirely likely that the retractor of words has an accent and/or mumbles. To them it doesn’t matter if the question wasn’t important. They never heard it so how would they know? To them being dismissed hurts because they were having a conversation — or beginning to and it doesn’t matter anymore? That’s bewildering.
Whether or not anyone realizes it, everyone has a set of expectations for when a conversation begins. The conversation is an engagement. Words or gestures will be exchanged on both sides regardless of how long the conversation ends up being. When someone says Never mind the conversation happened without the other and it is alienating especially if done on a repeated basis. The other person cannot read their minds. The ability to do so does not from thin air no matter how many times one finds themselves in this situation. If anything, the other person will be more inclined to avoid any future conversations altogether. Especially if they brought up an entire conversation about this, once or several times, only to get ignored.
Being ignored and doing the ignoring is not healthy no matter how good the relationship is. Never mind is a small thing, but small things add up over time. We all have complete control over the damage control applied, and it’s our choice to keep those things in effect. No need to wait for congress to get their act together.
So, for those who say, “Never mind,” please take a step back and repeat your question or sentence. Be patient. The other person wasn’t ready to catch all the words before, but they are ready now. It’s frustrating to not be heard and to not get the response that was wanted. There’s also no need to attach feelings of frustration of the situation to the words because it will only exasperate the situation.
For those on the receiving end, a one-sided conversation is never fair, but it’s still too early to be nothing but calm. Be assertive anyway and ask the other person to repeat their words. If you know that the question is important enough because you know you are the person to ask whether you’re at work or you were the only other witness of the event (it could literally be anything), tell them that. Sometimes an entire conversation about “Never mind” may need to be initiated right then and there for the first time or for the trillionth time. We’re all up there with Jeff Bezos so we may as well.
