A Open Letter To The Girl Who I Thought Was Going To Be My Best Friend For Life.

Hello, its me (no, not Adele. Although the song’s lyrics seem like exactly what I want to say to you so I MIGHT use references…). Remember me? We were best friends, or ‘sisters’ as you would call it. How are you? Do you ever think of me? Because I do, more often than I would like to admit. I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be. When we were younger and free. We used to have this dream to move out west together after we graduate.

It’s been a while, but it still doesn’t seem real to me that we are no longer friends. There were no definite words, no argument, no conflict, no explanation. We just ended, naturally. And I wish it didn’t end. It’s always awkward when my mom or friends ask me how you are. I didn’t have an answer for them. I felt even more awkward for always having to reply to them with “Oh, we are not friends anymore.”, and they would always reply to me with “Oh, I’m sorry.” I’m not writing to ask you back, (god, I sound like a depressed ex-boyfriend) I am rather writing to find closure for myself.

I’m not mad anymore, but trust me, I was. I was so angry, not at him, but at you. How could you? How could you let him get into between of us? But I knew the answer, the answer was because its you. And I think deep down, I knew. I knew one day you were going to leave me for this reason. But that’s just how you are. And it’s also why I loved being your friend. You were so passionate, so loving. You wanted to fix the world if you could. And if you could fix a cute boy, that would be the world. At first I was happy for you. Happy that he seemed like he would treat you right. I wasn’t wrong, he did. But in return, he manipulated me. He stabbed away at my confidence, my insecurities, my fear of being replaced. He used your capacity to love and succeeded.

You were a magnet of people. Everyone loves you. They love you for your kindness, generosity, beauty, and your incredible aura of happiness. Maybe because so many people wants to be a part of your life so its easy to forget, but it wasn’t for me. It was really hard for me to let anyone in but you didn’t leave me a choice. We fit. We got along and was similar in what kind of a life we wanted. We had so many laughs, cries, and adventures together. The drunken dance parties at college bars and on the streets; The stupid jokes and laughs at our randomness. We road tripped to the west and decided thats where we want to go after getting our degrees. We thought about our options if we couldn’t graduate. Vegas didn’t seem so bad with you. The craziness of being stuck outside a gay club in the middle of no where at 3am with no limo. Do you remember? Because it seem like you forgot. And that’s what makes me so angry. We were suppose to be sisters.

Now, I’m not mad anymore. I’m almost over it. I’m just sad. I’m sad you left me as if our memories were nothing. I’m sad that just because of a stupid boy, we are no longer sisters. I’m sad that I let you in and we were joint at the hips. Even after all this, I want to thank you as well. Thank you for being in food comas with me, for laughing about silly boys, and complaining about how we are never going to graduate. Thank you for giving me another family, for letting me have these memories, and thank you for creating them with me. We went a little crazy in Vegas, met up with good friends in SF, took LA, and had a blast in SD. We partied, giggled, and had so much fun. We were going to take Asia next and Europe after graduation. I thought in the end, we would be each other’s bridesmaids and our children would be just as close like us. I don’t wish you ill, but I do wish that you find someone who would be there for you when you need her, no matter when or where. I hope you find someone who will cry with you and laugh with you. I hope you find someone who you can do anything with and won’t judge each other; Someone who will be crazy with you, be wild and free with you. And I hope someday, I can find someone like you again.

I know we had to throw in the friendship towel but I miss you, I love you, but I don’t know if I have forgiven you yet. Maybe it’s not my place to forgive, but I can’t forget. Even though I can’t forget, time is healing. I’m not mad anymore, I’m just letting go. Maybe the next girl can be your best friend for life. Thank you for being that girl for this part of mine.

Best,
H

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