The Worst Clip on the Internet: Tyra Banks, Mad Scientist
Recently, I was reflecting on my years as a teen Twilight fan and remembered a clip I’ve suppressed in my memory for almost 10 years. It’s so violently cringe worthy your face might never return to normal. Your jaw will slack and you’ll have to drink baby food with a straw.
It’s a clip of Twilight movie stars Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner on the Tyra Banks Show (R.I.P forever in our hearts).
I don’t know if it’s better if you watch it before or after reading this. Or not at all.
First of all, this clip is much darker than I remember. Like very dark. I should also point out that when this clip first aired, I watched it on TV, as in I specifically turned on the Tyra Banks Show when I got home from school because I knew RPatz and TayLau (?) would be on it. I’ve accepted my truth!!
After a very Tyra-like introduction, she brings the men out and asks about extreme fans who want their necks bitten. She thrusts her own her neck forward saying “bite me” in a British accent. This is where you first see a look in RPatz’s eyes that says “Oh no, this woman is not well” and also possibly “Oh no I’ve chosen the wrong career path.” Tyra is nothing if not persistent so she will not let the interview continue until she gets bitten, and Robert, realizing this BITES HER NECK. She shrieks. We all do. Where are we.
“Did you know there’s a Team Robert and Team Taylor?” Tyra asks. “Isn’t it Jacob and Edward?” TayLau points out. Yes, of course it is, and of course they already know this! They live it every day! It is a hell of their own making. Realizing this, Tyra swiftly moves on.
By moves on I mean whips out THONGS with the aforementioned teams emblazoned on the crotch (are they supposed to wear them? Give them to a lover?). She gently places said thongs on their respective shoulders, like an angel swooping down and gently placing a wreath on a man’s grave.
“You were in the Harry Potter movies before Twilight, weren’t you?” Tyra asks Robert, but before he can answer this non-question, she interrupts herself to say she loves his dirty hair, reaching out to touch it like a baby at the petting zoo. Robert cringes and pulls back, like a goat at the petting zoo who was taken from a real farm and really doesn’t wanna be there.
Now, Robert makes the fatal mistake of telling Tyra he’s a fan of her show. She bats her lashes, feeling like the prettiest girl at the vampire prom! She asks his favorite episode, and an uncomfortable confusion follows because of course, Robert Pattinson never has and never will watch Tyra Banks’ talk show.
Now we’re getting to the meat of it. Oh you thought we were already in the meat? Nowhere fucking close. Tyra tells the audience about three girls who got hurt in a Twilight related stampede. Not just that, but these girls are here on the show. Not just that, but they’ll compete in a pie-eating contest, all without knowing that Robert and Taylor are present.
It’s called the Twilight Pie Fight. This is where it becomes the worst clip on the internet.
The premise is that some of the pies have a plastic vampire bat in them. These young fan girls have to dig through whipped cream-filled pies and fish out plastic bats with mouths as their only tool. Taylor and Robert go hide, so they can surprise these unknowing girls.
After a break, Tyra introduces Michelle, Maureen, and Tiffany who wave shyly in their jewel-toned sweaters. They tell the harrowing tale of getting trampled on. A modern day Lion King.
Then, RPatz and TayLau walk out, but clearly want to run away. The girls begin shrieking violently, uncontrollably. I probably would’ve done the same when I was 14, to be fair.
Michelle, Maureen, and Tiffany start hugging each other while crying — did they know each other previously or are they just bonded by the shared hysteria?
“Get it together!” Tyra screeches at her subordinates. The girls move into their places. “I’m so sorry to make you guys do this,” Robert says, backing away, because he knows this is mania.
When the countdown begins, the girls begin frantically shoving their faces into the pies, spitting out bats into a clear glass bowl. Their faces and hair are covered in cream and horrified reaction sounds can be heard from the men off-screen. Except for Tyra. She says “it’s getting all in their hair!” with such glee that you know never to trust her.
Did I mention the girls don’t even know what they’re competing for? They’ve simply been told by mad scientist Tyra Lynne Banks that it’s a piece of Twilight memorabilia, when in fact it is the car from the Twilight movie.
Time to count the bats. Whoever has the most wins. Suspense is building. The girls look like they’ve been through hell and back and back again to hell, whereas Tyra looks ready for high noon tea. She grows stronger as they grow weaker.
Everyone just wants it to be over, but it’s not. They still have to slowly, painfully count the bats by picking up their slick little bodies with even slicker tongs.
DRAMA. Kelly and Maureen tied! Or Michelle and Tiffany. Or Kelly and Ashley. Are these their names? Who cares? Tyra doesn’t.
We now go to a tiebreaker, where the girls have to guess the combined weight of the two men. I would say this makes no sense but nothing makes sense because this clip is cursed.
Tiffany, nervous from meeting her celebrity crushes while being forced into pie eating by supermodel Tyra Banks, blurts out 250 pounds. Oh, girl. Maureen guesses 320 pounds, which is somehow their exact combined weight. Is this rigged? Who cares?! Tyra Doesn’t!
Tyra escorts the blindfolded winner, along with Robert and Taylor, to her prize outside.
Oh you thought they screamed before? No. That was a whisper. She is screeching like she’s auditioning to play a banshee. Robert and Taylor want to die. Tyra has never felt more alive.
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