Worst Clip on the Internet: Ted Cruz as Ned Flanders

The worst clip on the internet is never topical — that would be the worst clip of the week, which is a whole other thing! Plus, there are professionals who write about topical things, and I’m an amateur!

Remember when Ted Cruz ran for president? I hope so because it was literally less than a year ago. But it was so unsettling I also wouldn’t blame you for repressing the memory.

At the beginning of the election, there were roughly 72 republican candidates willing to do anything for one second of attention. U.S Senator Ted Cruz has been accused of being the zodiac killer/a lizard-person/a blobfish, and in an attempt to prove his humanness, Ted made a video impersonating characters from The Simpsons. More specifically, he made a video with Buzzfeed doing Simpsons character impressions.

We all know Buzzfeed would make a video of your grandma slaughtering a chicken for the first time if it got them views, but having Ted Cruz do Simpsons impressions is dark-sided. It’s cursed. Did Ted’s team reach out? Did Buzzfeed initiate contact with U.S senator Ted Cruz? Did/does Ted Cruz even know what Buzzfeed is? Had a seen a single episode of The Simpsons before making this video? Apparently, because he also called the writers of The Simpsons “mostly a bunch of lefties” but he likes it anyway.

Watch at your own risk, because you may never want to watch The Simpsons again! You may have never watched The Simpsons and now never will! That’s fine. It’s a good show but there are other shows.

I watched three episodes of The Simpsons on a movie theater screen the other day and thought about this clip of Ted Cruz the whole time, except when I was thinking about Kelsey Grammer.

Ted’s first attempt is at Mr. Burns. The image of Ted’s melting face saying “exxcccellent” in a gravelly voice is enough to cause heart disease.

Next up is Ned Flanders and it’s honestly not bad. We would be much better off if Ted Cruz was a middling actor, maybe playing Kevin James’s best friend or something. That being said, I want to hurl myself into the sea when I hear Ted Cruz say “Okily dokily, neighborino” because I KNOW he talks that way in real life to his real neighbors. He probably says it to himself in the mirror. Or to a fellow dude at the urinal trough.

Next, Teddy boy enacts a whole conversation between Lisa and Homer about how homer doesn’t understand where meat comes from. Both of these impressions are disastrous and Ted Cruz should be ashamed of himself.

Lastly, Rafael Edward Cruz spins around like a piece of raw dough in a kitchenaid saying “twirling, twirling, twirling for freedom!” He says it’s an impression of Kang & Kodos running for president, but when I looked it up, it was actually a line from a cartoon Bill Clinton. Does Ted Cruz think Bill Clinton is two aliens (stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat)?

This video makes me wish I was the little boy in There Will Be Blood who goes deaf in an oil accident but also a blind star-nosed mole so I wouldn’t ever have hear or see this cursed clip again.

To be fair, he ends the “video” by saying “I’ve been told any times — I have a face for radio.” It’s the first thing he’s ever been right about.

Some gems from the comment section on this video:

  • “I like this. Interesting, original and fun way to campaign. “
  • “This homo is against gay marriage? “
  • “Not a chance in hell this man will ever get my vote… Why did he use the same voice for every character? Where did he pop up from? I have many questions “
  • “HIS NOSE KEEPS GETTING LONGER “
  • “why does he look so sad and happy at the same time? “